Misadventures Of The RED Team 2
by ThisStatementIsFalse
Summary: Remember those REDs? The ones who were idiots? Yeah, they're not any smarter but they're back for the sequel!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys/girls/Pyros! :)**

**So writing the first Misadventures Of The RED Team was way too much fun- bring on the sequel!**

**I still don't own TF2 it belongs to Valve :p**

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Chapter One!

~RED BASE~

It was one of those good days; the days it's sunny and nice, and memories of a wonderful dream about beating up hippies remain fresh in the mind.

Oh Hells yeah, the RED Soldier woke up smack bang into one of _those _days.

Of course the second he moved he remembered he had passed out on the stairs last night. The Soldier fell down them with the grace of an eagle dragged to earth by Saxton Hale. Magnificent.

Walking down the hallway, the Demoman casually stepped over his teammate and only briefly stopped whistling to ask politely,

"And how did _you _enjoy the drinkin' game yesterday?" before he sniggered maturely and sauntered off. He left the grumbling Soldier to plop his helmet back on his head and attempt to stand.

He hadn't made much progress when he heard a loud;

"Whee!" The poor abused merc didn't even have time to curse before the Scout, sliding down the banister, crashed straight into him. "Oh, hey Solly!" the hyperactive RED called brightly, failing to note how awkward the situation was.

-Dramatic pause-

"Get off." The Soldier commanded gruffly, literally shrugging off the Scout and managing to regain his feet. Immediately he bumped into someone. "I HATE THIS DAY."

"There y' are Pyro!" Scout told his confused teammate, stating the obvious. Addressing the Soldier he explained, "We're gonna try find the kitchen. Wanna come with?"

The Soldier rejected the offer for fear of his remaining scrap of sanity.

The RED team had already been in their new old base for a couple of weeks. Pros; they hadn't been attacked yet. Cons; they still got lost every other minute.

Anyhow, elsewhere, the Engineer had given up on finding the kitchen (it was breakfast time by the way) and was in his workshop.

The Sniper was supposed to be helping him upgrade dispensers to include toasters but he'd fallen asleep. The Engy sighed at him then attempted to feed the dispenser some bread.

Apparently it didn't like the wholemeal variety because it protested loudly – waking the Sniper – and launched the bread with such force it busted right through the far wall.

"Whoo. Hell." The Engineer blinked, a little dazed. The Sniper nodded slowly, certainly not ready to deal with this before his coffee.

Some significant amount of time later, the nine mercenaries located the central room and all sat, wondering what to do next.

"What's wrong with him?" the Spy murmured to the Medic, subtly motioning at the Heavy. The doctor pressed a palm to his forehead,

"He claims he vas ambushed by toast."

The Engineer and Sniper exchanged a glance. The Heavy growled;

"Descendent of sandvich. A worthy foe."

Ah, a normal day for the RED team begins.

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**You ready for this? Daily updates as usual, thanks for reading! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two!

~OUTSIDE RED BASE~

"Eh. What're we doing out here again?" the Sniper asked, surveying the grounds around their base from under his hat. It was a valid question; no one actually had any idea.

Maybe they just needed some fresh air. More likely though, they had gone outside by mistake. In either instance, they decided to spend their time weapons training. They must be learning because nobody had to be told they wouldn't be teaching the weapons themselves to do things.

First thing on the agenda; target practise.

Now, they didn't have any targets, or in fact anything to shoot at. But 'oh wait' was the dark thought in Spy's mind, 'we do!'

And that's how the Scout ended up sprinting for his life back and forth across the grounds, while the other mercs tried to hit him in the foot.

"GUYS JEEZ CUT IT OUT OH GOD!" he shrieked in a macho sort of way. "IT'S NOT FUNNEH!"

The team respectfully disagreed.

Eventually they were forced to stop bullying Scout and let the Medic do his thing. Satisfied their aim was up to scratch, the mercs moved on; act two- weapon maintenance.

Basically, this involved general ignorance and a full power hose pipe.

The Pyro in particular disliked the cleaning session. No prizes to who can guess why. And then, in some freak turn of events, the _worst _thing happened.

"SASHA!" the Heavy bellowed in woe, "Who splashed Sasha!?" He frantically scooped up and caressed his minigun.

It took about four hours to calm the man down before they got on with stage three- melee tactics.

The REDs debated how to go about this for a while. Suggestions, both bad and -wait, all bad- were thrown around until;

"Oh! OH!" the Demoman jumped about excitably, "I've got t' best idea!"

And that was how the Sniper and Engy found themselves in their RV and truck, driving max speed at each other with the rest of the classes ready to joust on the roofs.

"Schadenfreude!" came the Medic's proud screech of a battle cry as the seven mercs collided. Everyone screamed immediately after.

The Pyro had fallen and bit the dust before impact, but now its fire axe was lodged somewhat uncomfortably in its gut.

The cars crashed dramatically, their drivers having forgotten to pass each other, leaving the surfing men to do battle.

A tiny butterfly knife, the Spy discovered, was little match for a shovel, as the Soldier gleefully found out. Nevertheless they both fell in an undignified heap.

Meanwhile there was bone saw sticking out of the Heavy and a fist nailing Medic in the face.

This left the Demoman and Scout flailing with a bottle and bat, one of them yelling 'BONK!' for good measure. Hint- it wasn't the Demoman.

Anyway, the RED team decided that was plenty training for now.

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**That went well ^.^**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three!

~STILL RED BASE~

Unfortunately for the RED team members, this sweet tranquillity (?) just couldn't last. Otherwise there'd be no story, see.

It was in fact later that very same day the peace was shattered, right after they'd finally found the medi clinic and healed up.

Then came the all-too-familiar blast of the alarm. The Spy stood abruptly, for apparently he had been sitting at the time, and said;

"Gentlemen!" in his best summoning voice, because he likes to think he is cool.

Not really needing this invitation, the mercs were ready to party, raising their squeaky-clean weapons and charging like pros to defend the base.

And who else would be attacking but the BLU team. Several blue-clad men were storming straight for the base when the REDs barrelled outside once more. Their eyes narrowed in a 'yeah let's get down to biz' kind of way and the offense classes led the run.

As usual, the Engy and Sniper hung back, never tending to be men of the frontal assault.

The Medic and Heavy followed the Spy and Demoman who in turn tailed the violent Soldier, Pyro and Scout.

For there is no 'I' in team. But there is one in Spy… Spies… Eh.

Either way he disappeared to go kill some peeps.

Bullets and explosives started to fly as the action got underway. Longer range weapons gradually began to switch for up close n' personal ones as both teams met.

And not as in a little meet-up where they have tea- a proper hardcore 'this is war' kind of meeting.

Intense fighting raged in the battleground; the Scout hitting and running, the Soldier gunning down BLUs, the Pyro keeping their enemies toastie.

Now jumping into the midst of the mayhem, the Demoman exploded the poop out of everyone close enough to know about it while the Medic and Heavy took care of anyone getting past him.

Elsewhere the Engy set up his sentries, the Sniper fulfilled his name, and the Spy had an uncloak and dagger tactic.

In laymen's terms, the overpowered main character team were kicking some serious ass.

However a little niggling _something _was off. The RED Soldier was first to notice so as he finished a BLU Medic with his shovel.

Glancing around, for he tended to remain surprisingly aloof during the art of war, he casually took a good look at the attackers. And then an actual plot started to develop.

Because he had definitely seen these exact men before.

While he was distracted he was nearly decapitated by a jumping Pyro, but fortunately the Sniper shot it out of the air. A combination of that and the RED Scout's background yell of;

"Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hit ya. No wait- yeah I did!" grabbed the Soldier's attention and refocused it on the battle.

He quickly exchanged a nod with the Demoman to signal he was alright; then he noticed a BLU Soldier rocket jumping toward him.

"SCREAMIN' EAGLES!" he yelled, joining the bandwagon.

* * *

**Guys. GUYS.**

**There's a bit of plot this time :D**

**Thanks for reading! ;)**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four!

~THEY HAVEN'T MOVED YET~

Meanwhile the RED Heavy was having a _Heavy _of a time (see because he's big and so are whales ha ha) slaughtering BLUs.

The Medic could only sigh as his teammate shouted gibberish about babies and sandviches. Disclaimer; not baby sandwiches.

The Medic had his syringe gun out to cover the Heavy and his coat billowed for dramatic emphasis every time he fired.

As the pair of them made steady progress in the fight, the RED Spy was busy himself behind enemy lines.

He flounced here and there, backstabbing the day away and cloaking once in a while so he could mess with Engineers.

"Oh dear," he chuckled darkly, like a super villain, "I've made quite a mess." Although, his regret did sound suspiciously insincere. He wiped a splash of blood from his knife and went to go sap stuff.

Whilst that was going on the BLU's well-thought-out battle formation got completely and utterly screwed up.

The RED Demoman participated in the only way he knew how; getting absolutely drunk out of his mind and trusting himself to effectively use a grenade launcher.

The trigger-happy cyclops, being freaking out of it, only somewhat intentionally helped to thin the crowd;

"See ye in Hell!" he vowed, downing another drink and proceeding to bonk a few lights out with the bottle.

~PYROLAND~

The Pyro had no idea where all these kids had come from, but it was glad to see them. It had been a while.

And boy oh boy, the Pyro had a _lot _of happiness in store.

The Balloonicorn loyally tailed the RED as it parted company with the other offence classes to get some work done. The Pyro let rip with the rainblower and washed the BLUs away.

~REALITY~

"Oh God run it's the pyromaniac!" *Background screams*

That takes us back to the impending important plot point.

But, eh, don't worry. Soldier's only stealing focus for these first few chapters, not the entire story.

Regardless! The RED and BLU Soldiers were both at the peak of their rocket jumps and were air-swimming toward each other, brandishing shovels.

"This is how it's done IN AMERICA!" the RED declared, performing one Helluva butterfly stroke and swinging his trusty shovel.

He had aimed for the nose because those always bled a lot and that was fun, but the other Soldier blocked like he's been expecting it. The RED blinked.

_Like he's been expecting it because his nose was previously broken by a shovel._

"But- I killed you!" the Soldier yelled, ignoring the fact they were freefalling. "Y'were dead!" The BLU grinned;

"Yeah Nancy. I was," he admitted creepily. Suddenly his shotgun was out and before anyone could react, he fired twice.

For some reason the sound seemed dominant above everything else. The eight remaining REDs could only stare in horror as their Soldier fell, dead, to the ground.

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**OH GOD.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Heads up folks; these next two chapters suck**

**It was just important for the ACTUAL PLOTLINE we actually have, see**

**Hell just have a double update, hang on :)**

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Chapter Five!

~BASE~

The deafening silence was broken by the RED Demoman's cry of;

"HOLY CRAP! SOL!" then he obliterated the anti-friendship pact and charged to avenge his bro.

Primarily it went well because everyone else was stunned; the REDs because they lost someone and the BLUs because they actually accomplished something.

The enraged drunk intercepted the offending Soldier's landing with a sticky bomb and the explosion revived the war action.

As the fighting revved up again it became apparent the RED team's winning streak was over. Any sort of skill or scrap of common sense they had fled without so much as a 'how d'ya do?' Being drunk became a genuine hindrance.

It may have been the reason the Demoman was next.

The blue grenades seemed to just appear, like an illusion would; the explosion must have been real though, for the gibbed Demoman was off to meet the Soldier.

Now even more scarred the RED mercs' attempts at survival got clumsier.

As the Spy backstabbed the BLU Demoman who killed his teammate, he was completely blindsided by a Pyro.

Cloaking rendered useless, the Spy had no option but to be burned to death.

Holy Hell this is the most depressing thing I've ever written.

The RED Pyro, just sane enough to understand what was happening, was metaphorically fuelled by angry fire. The severely pissed off merc bade caution farewell and took down a whole load of BLUs.

With it.

A Heavy's minigun finished the gruesome job.

Back at the base entrance, the Sniper and Engineer continued to hold on. All of their machines had been sapped, leaving the both of them utterly defenceless.

When the Engineer's shotgun clicked empty he was left practically unarmed too. Distracted by this, he didn't notice the sniper rifle trained on his head.

So, sadly, (because we really do love Engy) that was how the fifth man died.

"GODAMMIT!" the Sniper cursed at a shout, witnessing the above. The only thing he could think to do then was abandon this place and find cover. He followed the first idea that came to mind and dashed around side the base, dodging bullets as he went.

The Sniper slung his rifle over one shoulder and scrambled for the ladder to his sniping platform. However, the poor RED had only scaled a few rungs when he heard a sickening crack.

His last realisation was that a bat had caved in his skull.

Three of the RED classes remained alive; and they weren't feeling so hot either. Foreseeing their impending deaths, the Medic sighed;

"Ah, you may as vell run, Scout. Your last chance to escape."

"Wha? But-" the Scout stammered uncertainly, wondering when Medic got so nice.

"Leetle Scout should listen to Doctor," Heavy advised, still shooting. After a long, tense pause, the Scout nodded slowly and fled.

The speedy little dude ran as far as he could from the fight at top speed before slowing to rest.

Footsteps suddenly sounded behind him and he turned sharply, scattergun pointing threateningly at-

"Doc! You made it too!"

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_**OR DID HE**_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six!

~A LITTLE WAYS FROM THE BASE~

The RED Scout glanced past the Medic at nothing;

"So… uh, Heavy-"

"Dead." The Medic said shortly in a solemn tone. The Scout half-turned away as to hide any form of manly emotion for his teammates. This proved to be his fatal mistake.

A knife slid into his back, and a French-accented voice all too sweetly said;

"I never was on your side."

~BACK AT THE BASE~

"Übercharge ready!" the real RED Medic announced.

In fact though, his own sentence would have been the last thing he heard, had it not been for the unmistakable _snick _of a crossbow.

Oblivious, the Heavy yelled;

"Charge me Doctor!" Then he turned around. He was no expert, but he was pretty sure a man with an arrow in his head was a dead one. "Doctor?" Heavy scarcely had time to ask, before the last RED became sentry gun fodder.

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_**Tiny chapter of evil cuz I'm so evil OH GOD I killed them all**_

**Uh. We're back to funny stuff next chapter. BUT HOW? :D**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven!

~?~

Not one of the nine RED mercenaries had the faintest clue what death was going to look like. In truth, they hadn't given the concept much thought; it's unhealthy to be _thinking _when one kills for a living.

Whatever, they still sure as Hell didn't think death was going to resemble a respawn room. Frankly it's just unimaginative and-

Wait.

Respawn room?

Those things hadn't been in action since the Administrator's time! And that was… a certain amount of time ago or something!

Ask Engy, he'll know.

Anyway, gradually, groggily, the members of the RED team came to.

The general first feeling was 'WTH I'm alive that's awesome' with slight variations. Collectively everyone eased up into a sitting position, because apparently they were on wooden benches.

It was quite dark, implying it was night. A sliver of artificial light also made its presence. From somewhere. Likely a door.

The Soldier, Demoman, Spy, Pyro, Engineer, Sniper, Scout, Medic and Heavy briefly got to grips with the notion of being alive again.

"We…" the Demoman realised hesitantly, "are not dead! Hah!" Then he noticed respawn had made sober and he felt a little less giddy. The slightly nauseated Engineer nodded, politely disinterested in that.

"Can't believe this thing still functions," he murmured, hiding a manly sigh of relief.

"Must admit- I'm glad it does," the Soldier grinned. The Sniper blinked;

"Was that _really _trippy for anyone else?" he mumbled. "Crikey…"

"Ugh, calm down," the Spy said, like dying wasn't a big deal, "and please think about something constructive."

There was a lengthy pause of no-suggestion-ness, then the Heavy enquired,

"Where _are _we?" The Medic shrugged and absently retrieved the medigun at his feet;

"Only eins vay to find out!" The Pyro made an agreeable muffled noise and carefully stood up.

The nine recently deceased mercs shuffled toward the light. OH GOD NOT THE LIGHT THE DOOR! They went to the door.

As predicted, the motion sensor on said door didn't respond, leaving the defence classes to lift it manually. It got stuck half way up but if everyone ducked it wouldn't prove a problem.

However, nobody particularly wanted to go when they saw outside.

Civilisation.

Somehow, a city had appeared over one of the old maps. Their rundown respawn sat on the very edge of it, ignored by the public. Also there was a slightly graffitied signpost nearby, which the concerned team peered at for a few moments.

"Ooh brother, I know where w'are." The Engineer announced.

"How far are we from the base?" The Spy asked slowly.

"Uh, I'm not gonna lie to ya. The better part of, say, two thousand miles…"

* * *

**Anyone up for an adventure!? :D**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight!

~RESPAWN~

Quite correctly assuming the BLU respawn was reasonably close by, the Scout dubiously asked,

"Wait, they came _two thousand _miles jus' ta get revenge?" The Soldier sorted his helmet a bit and validly pointed out;

"You'd be pretty pissed if someone killed ya, son."

"What, are ya kiddin'? I ain't got enough of an attention span ta hold grudges." The team nodded, musing 'true, true' as the Scout distractedly stared into the distance.

"Well," the Demoman said from where he was attempting to drink out of an empty bottle, "suppose w' better get goin'."

"'ang on, we best check resupply first," the Sniper put forward. Obliging, the Heavy strode to the resupply cabinet and gave the door a polite tug.

When it didn't open his patients immediately snapped and he tore the small cupboard clean off the wall. Well, not clean as such.

A sizeable chunk of the wall came with it.

In essence though it turned out to be a good thing.

"Secret passage!" the Medic gasped gleefully, so caught up with excitement he got out of character. Praying for a sandvich store, the Heavy reached into the hidden compartment and dragged a large box from it.

He stared at it with the most derpy, childish grin before creaking it open.

"Aw, no food," he pouted. This probably would have been a bummer, except the crate did contain freakin' badass new WEAPONS.

"Check it! New badass weapons!" the Scout jumped around happily. It was almost as if they hadn't just died.

Positive. Energy.

The team huddled around the box expectantly.

Note, by the way, that this respawn wasn't as top notch as it once was- it seemed incapable of fixing or replacing weapons, so most of the mercs were one short anyway.

Because he found the box, Heavy got first pick.

Heavy Weapons Guy obtained: Killing Gloves Of Boxing!

The basic idea behind them seemed to be create jazzy-coloured massive boxing gloves so one could punch the living day out of men more easily.

Next was the Medic, because after the team's anti friendship pact broke they were suddenly bros.

Medic received: Crusader's Crossbow!

"Excellent," he smiled eerily, assigning it as secondary slot over his lost syringe gun.

It was the Pyro's turn then because fire beats rock, paper and scissors.

Pyro got; Scorch Shot!

They left Pyro to hug the adorable tiny gun while the Spy went.

Achievement get: Ambassador!

There was a likeness carving on the side of the revolver.

"Is that my Ma?" Scout glared suspiciously. Hastily the Spy threw something at him;

"Look, here's yours!"

Scout picked up: Flying Guillotine!

They let him admire the badass meat cleaver/throwing knife as the Sniper took his weapon.

Sniper acquired: Huntsman!

Raising his new hunting bow the Sniper muttered something like 'Hells yeah' and was glad to have a use for his quiver. After that the Engy had his turn and came up with the weirdest, coolest thing.

Engineer unlocked: Eureka Effect!

Of course, a bolt of lightning went and hit the fancy wrench at that very moment.

"Interesting…" he decided.

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**Yay! New weapons! (Note; Engy's wrench replaced the pistol and Sniper's bow replaced the SMG)**

**Anyhow yeah I suppose respawn was a little predictable :p**

**Well thanks for the reviews folks! You're so awesome you can have another chapter today ^.^**


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine!

~RESPAWN~

The team continued to stare at the box as the Soldier grabbed his free weapon next.

Soldier gained: Direct Hit!

He nodded his evident approval and moved to sit lovingly with his new rocket launcher. Finally, the Demoman took his pick from the box of goodies.

Demoman… hang on- thesaurus, 'get' … Okay.

Demoman 'got hold of': Eyelander!

"Mate?" the Sniper questioned uneasily, "Is yer sword demandin' _heads?_" The Demoman listened intently to the blade.

"Aye," he confirmed, like it was perfectly normal.

"Mmm?" the Pyro enquired, because it wasn't so much hearing 'heads' as 'hugs'. It was ignored.

"So, now we go?" Heavy put his killing gloves of boxing away and walked Sasha to the door instead. Grabbing primary weapons most of the mercs moved to follow.

"Listen guys," the Engineer called to everyone, "we prob'ly shouldn't have guns showin' out there. That there is civilisation."

"Correction Engy," the Soldier objected, "that's civilisation with _BLUs _in it."

"He has a point though," the Spy reasoned, "I for one would prefer not to be arrested in the first of I expect many cities we're going to pass through."

"Gah, it sucks when you guys make sense," the Scout grumbled, shoving his bat, scattergun and knife into his messenger bag.

Finally ready, the team all lined up at the door. Feeling fairly confident they weren't going to be dying again anytime soon, the nine of them took a bold step out of respawn and onto the road.

"HOLY HELL A TRUCK-"

…

The team respawned again, after the most humiliating death of their career.

Coughing, straightening ties and headgear, the REDs looked both ways the power walked across the road. The vaguely level-headed classes thought it was a spiffing idea to find a map as first priority.

With one hundred percent fake smiles, the mercenaries swaggered into the city.

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**Man oh _Mann _(hehe) this is gonna be fun :D**


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten!

~CITY (NUMBER ONE)~ **A/N: Places are numbered so you know where we are in the journey!**

People had a similar conclusion upon seeing the RED team walking down the street; there must be some convention going on.

It wasn't quite everyday a colour-coordinated line of dressed for battle men/whatever Pyro is passed them by. Still, it wasn't very nice of them to stare.

Some of the mercs handled this better than others.

The Soldier for example just glared right back from under his helmet, while the never-really-like-people Sniper attacked a civvie, thinking they were a Spy.

Yelling excuses ('it's only natural to be paranoid!') the team hurried to the next street. Spotting a small shop, the Pyro signalled it could potentially sell maps.

Oh. _Sell. _As in, requires money in order to get.

Shrugging off the Spy's not getting arrested idea, they plotted how best to steal one.

Because Scout was fast and Heavy was intimidating, they both headed in. The Heavy stood in front of the cashier and subtly attempted to block the man's view with his body.

"Nice weather tonight," he recited the classic distraction line. However because the two REDs displayed an impossibly high number of hints about what they were doing the cashier realised this.

"They're on to us! BAIL OUT!" the Scout shrieked, grabbing the nearest map and dragging the Heavy outside.

The bigger, confused man did not respond well to the idea of being chased and so chucked a nearby dumpster at the shop door, effectively barricading it.

He and the Scout then found the team had already made a run for it and rushed after them.

A short while later the nine failing men rendezvoused in a small park they stumbled into.

"I suppose zhat could've been worse…" the Medic sighed. "Vhere's zhe map?" Scout gave it to them.

"…You dumbass Scout this is a _newspaper!" _the Soldier yelled.

And that's why the RED team were forced to go onward minus a map. And wanted for stealing.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven!

~PARK~

After a self-esteem reducing sleep in the city park, the RED team faced the secondary priority. Of course, this was food.

The city was just as busy in the morning as it was the night before. Honestly it was a bit weird for the mercs to see actual other humans after years with the same eight.

Nevertheless, they plodded along aimlessly until they found a restaurant. It looked kind of full but the team was too damn hungry to go any further.

When they saw the waitress at the door was female, the Scout claimed 'he got this' and sauntered over there.

"Yeah, knock yerself out, lad," the Demoman called after him. He may have meant that literally on account of the map incident.

"Heyyy," Scout tried, leaning casually on the doorframe and almost falling clumsily, "um. So, I guess you're busy an' stuff, but we haven't eaten in like, ages. If- if y'could let us in that'd be awesome."

Across the street, the team facepalmed collectively.

"Well… I…" the waitress, unsure what to think, began. "Wait, 'us'?" The Scout jerked a thumb over one shoulder;

"Yeah, us. Me, hardhat, snipes, solly, fatty, doc, Pyro, demo and that shapeshiftin' wuss." The other mercs put on giant forced grins and waved, attempting to ignore their unfortunate nicknames.

Waitress-Lady glanced at them. And their souls.

"It's just that, you see, we have a… dress code. Yeah. Fancy," she said.

The smiles became sincere. Fancy?

Break out the hats, boys.

~FANCY ASS RESTAURANT~

Sp against all odds the RED team made it into the restaurant. Hats save the day again!

The mercs looked strangely natural sitting at the giant table. Okay that's a lie- it looked freakin' ridiculous. The waiter agreed;

"Um, sir? Are those grenades…?" But the Soldier remained oblivious and just ordered everything remotely American-sounding on the menu.

By this time, sharper minds have probably picked up on the major flaw in their plan. Lack of money.

So after they'd eaten the equivalent of about three hundred dollars, the team weren't too sure what to do.

As far as most of them were concerned, they should fight their merry way out, skip the city, and just be done with it.

Or they should have. They really are idiots.

Instead they made a highly stupid deal with the manager; they would _get jobs _and give them the money in a couple of day's time. WTH.

The insane team had a quick discussion outside.

"Why'd we agree to this?" the Sniper groaned. Unfortunately no one heard because the Soldier was being terribly loud;

"_Right _ladies! We are men! We are proud men who will get jobs!" Is this motivational or what? "Alright! Meet back here at oh-eight-hundred in two days. Move out!"

* * *

**Yeah. That just happened B)**

**Thanks for reading!**

**(And hey, if you review you get a free invisible hat! You want the hat, don't you :3)**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve!

~NEARBY GARAGE~

The Engineer was one of the few classes who picked a logical job to go for. As in, remotely related to his profession. This involved walking around the city for a while until finding a garage.

Keeping in mind he had been a mercenary for longer than he would care to remember, the Engineer wasn't too sure how well a job interview would go.

In the end it turned out they only had three questions, starting with name. Under strict instructions from Spy not to give out his real name, he went with;

"Uh, call me Engy." The hiring dude nodded thoughtfully,

"Okay Engy, you got any experience in mechanics?"

The Engineer resisted a 'the freaking stories I could tell ya' and replied yes.

"Great; last question." Then came what no one expected. "Can you shoot?" The Engineer blinked.

"Yeah… why?"

"Ah ha ha, no reason!" the dude said hastily, totally not thinking of the crazy blue men who were frequently showing up as of late. "You're hired!"

Obviously these things are just easier in a fanfic.

Thus begins; Engy's First Day At Work

Because the garage had little-to-no staff, the Dude figured Engy could go ahead and start by fixing a car. When offered tools, he flatly denied;

"This is my wrench." The Engineer stated slowly, showing his old wrench to the man. (The Eureka effect was hidden somewhere.) "I use this wrench."

He stared possessively until left alone.

Now, out of pure instinct, his first thought was to whack the car with his wrench until it started shooting again-

Woah. Wrong thing mate. Taking two, he adjusted his welding goggles that never came off and searched the car for a practical problem to solve.

The first potential one he found was the scrap-metal-like dustbin jutting out of the bonnet. Quietly confident it _shouldn't _be there, Engy thought briefly of a safe, structured way to remove it.

"Yeehaw!" *ENGY SMASH*

With the bin outta there, the Engineer went to check the engine, when something on a nearby table caught his eye;

"SAPPER!" he jumped up and took his wrench to it, "GODDAMN SPIES!"

Curiously, the Dude stood by and watched Engy beat the crap out of a radio.

~ENGY'S SECOND DAY~

After a semi-restful night's sleep in one corner of the garage, the Engineer got back to work. The previous day he managed to fix the car, but, being a man of science, he continued to tinker.

The possibilities! Endless!

'F'rinstance,' the Engy thought, 'if I move this…'

He shifted something, insatiable curiosity fuelling the action, and moved around to try the engine.

The good news was the car would be able to hit almost two hundred miles an hour.

The bad news was it just had- backwards. Right out the door.

"OH CRAP I DON'T WANNA DIE AGAIN!" a familiar Bostonian accent screamed from outside.

Engy left that day with minimal wages.

* * *

**...Oops. :D**

**Yeah uh, your invisible hats are on their way... in, uh, invisible boxes. Yeah :3**

**Anywho, double update, see you in a tick :)**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen!

~BIG FACTORY ON EDGE OF CITY~

"So big fella, what's yer name?" a pleasant-enough sounding lady asked the RED Heavy.

After some assistance from the Medic, he had located a factory-which-made-he-didn't-know-what to job search in.

Drawing a complete blank on the name front, he offered his most beloved's;

"I am… Sasha. Like minigun." The lady tried to act un-confused.

"G-great, Sasha," she smiled falsely at the Heavy. "Okay, well, whatcher gonna do is drive this box to the shop over yonder." The lady gave the Heavy a map, causing him to reach the realisation he'd gotten a job without actually doing anything.

Also, he had a freakin' map. He was a genius.

~ON THE ROAD TWO MINUTES LATER~

Heavy was most certainly _not _a genius, especially when he was behind the wheel of a large, uninsured delivery truck.

Thus begins; Heavy's Magical Road Trip

"_Oh, nooo!_" the Heavy cried, having misplaced the brake pedal a second time. The truck careered through a couple of sign posts and narrowly avoided several pedestrians.

The Heavy then calmly searched for the brake during this, blissfully unaware of the damage he was causing.

"Ah ha!" he beamed, locating the pedal and stamping on it.

Oh wait. That was the accelerator.

"INCOMING!" he bellowed out the window, which he had succeeded in smashing.

Eight busted walls later, the Heavy finally managed to stop. Finding he was in a cul-de-sac, the merc clambered to the ground and tried to shove the truck backwards to free it.

Somehow he must have left the parking brake on because all the Heavy did was create matching palm-shaped indents in the truck.

Glaring at it (it was its own fault of course), 'Sasha' put on his killing gloves of boxing for a confidence boost and then – CENSORED FOR CHILDREN.

Back on the road, the Heavy casually drove at a snail's pace until, eventually, he reached the designated stop. Violently he forced the truck's back door open and tore the box from it.

One peculiar mood swing later the Heavy cheerfully strode into the shop and delivered his box of unknown content.

The cashier nervously eyed the inconspicuous sash of bullets across Heavy's chest and accepted the package before sending him on his way.

The REDs really should've hidden these things.

~HEAVY'S DAY TWO~

How the Heavy returned alive and why he slept in the truck remain mysteries. Nevertheless, his second errand was another simple delivery.

This time he was instructed to be super damn careful, because _this time _he was carrying important medical supplies to a clinic.

So naturally, he messed up. Da.

The Heavy's truck ploughed daintily through the clinic's wall. Halfway stuck in a large, bright room, he noticed a man staring in horror at him.

"Oh, hello Doctor!"

Back at the factory, the Heavy received very small payment for his troubles. It was just as well the lady hadn't noticed the state of the (ex)truck, heh.

* * *

**Heavy is a good driver. Fact.**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen!

~DENTAL SURGERY~

The Sniper had absolutely no clue what sort of job would be suitable for him. He reckoned 'paid assassin' would be frowned upon and so ambled through the city without any particular destination in mind.

Eventually though he had found himself outside a dentist with a convenient 'help wanted' sign up front. The Sniper shrugged, humouring the idea.

He did appreciate clean teeth.

Once inside, and this was possibly just to spite the Spy, he gave the secretary his real name.

"Alright, Mister Mundy," the secretary smiled a gleaming, dentistly smile, "because you're literally the _only person _who's applied, you get the job! Well done you!"

Attempting not to be put off by the infinite, growing grin, the Sniper tipped his hat and hurried in.

He entered the classic room-with-big-chair-in-middle complete with happy-looking-dentist-man.

"You must be my new assistant! Hey there!" He welcomed brightly.

The Sniper blinked, wondering if everyone in this place looked as much a hygienic zombie as this guy.

"Er, suppose I am mate. Name's Mundy," he debated extending a hand to shake and decided he'd really rather not. The dentist missed his cue to introduce himself and pointed enthusiastically at the chair;

"Basically people sit _there. _And we check their teeth! M'kay?"

"With all due respect yer bloomin' crazy, but yeah."

Thus begins; Sniper's Happy Day

Before long, the dynamic dentist duo's first patient walked in. All three of them exchanged (moderately on Sniper's part) cheerful greetings as the kid sat down. That's about when things went to Hell.

Picture this; a dentist absently retrieves some kind of tool; from the table. It glints in the light. A very tense Sniper instinctively suspects a backstab,

"Holy dooley!" he would yell, going all larate on the dentist's ass and knocking him out.

And that was Mister Mundy's first day.

~SNIPER'S SECOND DAY~

Fortunately for the RED Sniper, the dentist had been unconscious enough to have forgotten the previous day's events. This meant work began in earnest.

For the better part of the morning there were no tragedies, surprisingly. A couple of folks came and went no problemo and the Sniper quickly became bored.

This was a man who could wait a full twenty four hours for one headshot, and he was _bored. _However, the dentist then requested;

"Okay, I've got to head out for just a few minutes. The next patient's getting a tooth out; can you handle that?"

Sniper nodded a tab overeagerly. Things were about to liven up.

"Hold still wanka- I mean sir." The Sniper instructed, aiming down his rifle's scope at the patient's tooth.

"A—are you sure this is… safe? Sanitary? Legal?" The Sniper paused at the question, unsure, but shrugged it off and took his shot.

Needless to say, Mundy left with very little money and an extremely angry zombie dental staff mob on his heels.

Civilisation just wasn't ready for him.

* * *

**Because I got the wire changed on my braces today ^.^**

**Thanks for reading fellas! Might give you another one later on, m'kay? :D**

_**(And yes, I believe if Rick can know larate, Sniper can too)**_


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen!

~SCHOOL~

One would find that the mention of both Soldier and primary school children in one sentence was a cause for concern. Of major proportions.

For whatever reason the RED Soldier got it into his head that being a substitute teacher would be a smooth career choice.

"So, Mister Doe," the rector addressed the Soldier, "what can you teach these children, exactly?"

"What _couldn't _I teach the maggots!" the Soldier asked rhetorically, in the process of answering, "What they need in life! TACTICS! The Art Of Wa- uhh… art. THE ART OF ART!"

Somehow this 'new take on the curriculum' got Soldier the job.

Standing in front of his class of about twenty young kids, he began his first lesson.

"Riiight then. Let's see what y'know about ol' Sun Tzu."

"Sir, why d'you have a fighting-hat on?" someone dared to ask.

"IRRELEVANT!" the Soldier shouted, the biggest word in his vocabulary.

Thus begins; The Longest Afternoon Of The Kiddies' Lives

True to his word, the Soldier gave his class an art of art lesson.

"And finally," he displayed his own drawing somewhat modestly, "stick a bunch of red everywhere for the blood!" The children stared wide-eyed at the picture depicting the RED team's epic base capture. "Or, if you're feeling up to it, clock your neighbour in the nose. More REALISTIC if it's real blood!"

The vomiting class were dismissed early that day.

~SOLDIER'S SECOND DAY AT SCHOOL~

The Soldier had slept surprisingly well on a swing in the playground. Upon returning to the building for work, he got a bit lost and found himself in an unoccupied science lab.

Oh Hells yeah.

"Calm _down _son!" the Soldier was yelling ten minutes later, "It's only acid!"

"It burns!" the poor kid retorted at a scream. The Soldier chuckled darkly,

"Nah, I'll tell ya what 'burns'. PYRO FIRE." He proceeded to rant as the child sneaked off for medical attention.

Soldier was by no means disheartened by his experiment's failure (due to 'American spirit' apparently) and attempted to show the class another.

Claiming 'we're gonna make these' he casually tugged a grenade from his belt and tossed it to a random kid.

"Mind the pin on that, private." The Soldier then mumbled to himself, "Now I think ya just put this _highly reactive _element in here…"

_BOOM MASSIVE EXPLOSION_

A small chain reaction later half the school was on fire.

"EVERYBODY OUT!" the Soldier commanded in a no-freaking-duh kind of way. "NO MAN LEFT BEHIND!"

The fire department arrived shortly, and an accusing voice came from behind Soldier;

"Hudda?" Pyro was standing there, wearing a fireman's hat like a boss.

"Aw, Hell…" Soldier grumbled.

Receiving several complaints and a demerit for bad behaviour, he left no richer than when he came.

* * *

**Here ya go Wepul; double update like you wanted :p**

**So Demoman's up next, any guesses? :D**

**Thanks for reading!**


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen!

~PREDICTABLY, A BAR~

Upon parting ways with the other REDs, the Demoman had pretty much speed walked to the nearest bar. He must have some internal compass for them.

Fortunately, the only requirement to get a job in this bar was to be extremely drunk. Check.

The Demoman imaginatively shortened his name down to 'Dem', heeding the generally-ignored advice of the Spy.

However, the bar wouldn't open for a few hours, so all he got to do was clean; yet somehow he managed to screw _that _up.

It began with a simple error- wiping down the bar with beer opposed to water. How he managed that was up for debate.

Next the Demoman mistook the bin for the sink and unintentionally threw out almost fifty glasses. He eventually noticed and stopped, but before he could do anything about it someone called;

"Dem! Get in here, it's opening time!"

Thus begins; Demoman's Drinking Problem (Act One)

Business started moderately slowly, a few blokes arriving first, then gradually the place filled up. One thing the Demoman had forgotten to take into account was that he was now the server, not the servee. In other words, he wasn't supposed to drink.

Like that would stop him, eh?

"Best. Day. EVER!" he shouted, making a mental note to ask Engy if beer dispensers were possible. He fell over the bar twice but otherwise managed to continue working drunk.

All in all his first day was fine, if uneventful.

~DAY TWO (THE FUN ONE)~

The Demoman only woke up near opening time the next day. His boss was actually unconscious, so apparently he was drinking too.

'Dem' decided to just set up shop and soon a couple of people showed.

However – plot twist – suddenly the doors were haphazardly flung wide, and silhouetted epicly two guys stood in the entrance.

They stepped in. They were both… wearing… _BLU._

Cleverly, the other customers figured it was as good a time to leave as any. The BLUs – Soldier and Demoman – sauntered in.

They swiftly realised who was behind the bar. BAR FIGHT!

The RED Demoman ducked as the BLU lobbed a chair at him. In cover, Dem, being an expert in the demolitions field, hastily made something similar to a Molotov and threw it back.

There was a bit of screaming and a _boom _followed by a crash above the Demoman's head.

He dared to glance up only to see the BLU Soldier fall on top of him. One fist fight later the more-dead-than-alive Soldier flew over the bar and nearly hit his teammate, who grabbed a random bottle and ran to attack the other Demoman.

"W'only came for a drink!"

"Oi, you started it!" A childish bottle fight began, until the RED Demoman got bored and just used his temporary manager powers to make them leave.

He went out not long later with a tiny salary.

* * *

**Of course it was gonna be something alcohol related :p**

**Thanks for the reviews lads/lassies! :D**

**(Of course you can still have the invisible hat!) :3**

**Oh yeah, any guesses for Spy?**


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen!

~GIANT SHOP THAT SELLS EVERYTHING~

The Spy had chosen to abuse his powers of persuasion and become a salesman. An intricate, lengthy discussion with the manager of one of those massive shops with no particular theme in mind later, Spy had gotten a job and avoided giving a name.

His job description was reasonably straight forward- make people buy random crud they don't need. The Spy was fairly certain he could do that.

However, years at war had influenced his idea that things really should be useful; for instance, watches.

He searched all of the shop's watches for the trigger of a cloaking device but found none. The things could only tell time! That's _not _what clocks are for.

Soon he spotted a potential buyer and walked up behind them. Turning around to see him, they asked;

"Uh, what're you doing?" That's when the Spy realised he'd taken out his butterfly knife, subconsciously preparing to backstab.

"…Selling you kitchenware?"

"That's a butterfly knife, mate," the (less of a) potential buyer frowned.

"Why, yes, yes it is. Keen observation," the Spy said. Awkward pause. "Well, I think I'll go now," the Spy turned on one heel and dashed off.

He hadn't gotten far before the manager came and stopped him;

"Excuse me, Mister…" the manager blinked. "Um, Mister. Customers are requesting you remove the balaclava. This women thought you were gonna stab her or something."

Over secretive of his identity, the Spy asked if there was an alternative. Thus begins;

~SPY'S HUMILIATING SECOND DAY~

Had Spy known what the mascot of the shop was, he probably wouldn't have agreed to wear the costume.

For whatever reason the logo was a giant fish riding a bike and wearing a top hat. The costume was worse than one could imagine.

Nevertheless, the Spy was determined to show up the RED mercs by earning twice as much money as them (PROFIT) so he dealt with it.

"MON DIEU!" he yelled moments later, his fish-and-top-hat-clad self flying over the handlebars of the bike. Of course he headbutted a huge pyramid of cans, making the announcing voice shout 'Strike!'

Not wanting to give his boss a bad impression, he cloaked and crept away. Turns out sneaking around in a fish suit- nigh on impossible. Also he didn't realise the bike hadn't turned invisible.

And that's how the Spy got maced by a customer who believed in ghosts.

However, after that minor incident, the rest of the day was perfectly okay. Like, a couple of times Spy crashed or whacked someone with the fish tail; otherwise no problem!

He may have been the only merc to make more than ten dollars. Spy just put the RED team's idiot record to shame.

Stupid top hat wearing fish man.

* * *

**The mental images I got from writing this... :D**

**Thanks for readin' and reviewin' everyone! :p**

**Scout's up next!**


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen!

~NEWSAGENT~

Naturally, Scout had gone for a job that relied on speed- paper boy. After bragging about how fast he was for a while he showed the hiring guy his 'party trick'.

"Aaand… CRAZY LEGS!" he crouched and double jumped, making both legs look bizarrely like strips of bacon held up in wind tunnel.

Landing, he grinned proudly at the blank hiring dude.

"That was… something." They went with, hesitantly. "I guess you get the job. No one else will do it."

"Yay!" Scout cheered, manly as ever. He was given a satchel which he strapped over his bag as he would intel. The newsagent guy shoved a bunch of papers into the satchel, instructing;

"Yeah, uh, just run around and give those to everyone. They probably won't notice it's half a day late if you hurry."

Hurry, huh? If there was one thing the Scout could do, it was hustle.

Thus begins; The Rise Of Bonk Boy

One busted vending machine full of Bonk! Atomic Punch later, Scout was rocketing like a hyped-up, electrocuted who-even-knows-what down the road.

Screeching a sugar rush induced 'WHOO!' he swung around a corner to his designated first street.

Realising happily he could get a little throwing knife practise done, the Scout chucked papers at every single door or moving thing. So, yes, people got hurt. Oops.

Coming to the conclusion _he loved this job, _Scout raced to the next place on his route and somewhat carelessly threw several more papers.

Maybe he should cut down on the radiation.

Next he made a couple of bulk deliveries to small shops; meaning he lobbed a bundle of newspapers through the door from across the road.

Finally, Scout emptied the satchel at a few other places and trailed back to the newsagents, Bonk rush dead.

~SCOUT'S SECOND RUSH~

Finding no better place to do so, Scout slept on the roof. Forgetting about the height factor, he slid off in the morning and near broke his legs.

Oblivious to his near miss, he sauntered into the building.

"Oh, hey," newsagent guy greeted, "I actually just sent away a kid I thought was you. Though he was wearing a blue shirt." The Scout blinked.

"Oh, HELL no." He bolted for the door, ready to beat up the job stealing bully of a BLU. "I'm gonna get yooou!" he vowed, defying the team's no weapon policy and grabbing his bat.

Around the corner, the BLU Scout wondered if this prank was a bad idea.

The RED one spotted him and pouted severely before giving chase. What occurred then was a strange run away scene spanning over a sizeable chunk of the city; it included fun things like trying to kill each other by throwing newspapers.

Eventually though the RED Scout bonked his BLU counterpart's lights out and reclaimed his paper.

Paper, singular? Uh oh.

Distracted, Scout was abruptly surprised by a car shooting toward him at about a billion miles an hour. Barely dodging, he cried,

"OH CRAP I DON'T WANNA DIE AGAIN!" He fled to the newsagents.

Scout left with little pay and a partially shredded satchel.

* * *

**Correct, Wepul- paperboy! See if you can guess Medic too**

**'Noice job, mate' I like what ya did thar, XxSiberianTigerxX :p**

**Anyway morning update because I woke up too early :D**

**Thanks for reading! :) You're all so awesome!**


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen!

~MEDI CLINIC~

The Medic was the other class who chose a profession he could actually do. Before that incident with the missing skeleton, anyway.

After sending the Heavy off somewhere, the Medic explored the city until finding a medi clinic. With his lab coat and medi rucksack thing he looked enough the part to get the job with minimal trouble.

Ah, fanfics.

Despite the distinct lack of doves, the Medic was happy with the work environment and met his first test subject- uh, patient in there.

The _patient _was one of those friendly folks and brightly greeted 'good day!'

"Guten tag," the Medic replied distractedly, trying not to stare at all the awesome medical stuff around the room. The patient said expectantly;

"So, Doctor…?" The Medic spaced;

"Eh, 'Doctor' vill do fine." He opted to give the patient the better part of his attention. "Vhat's wrong vith you zhen?"

Thus begins; Medic's Weirdest Day In A While

The Medic was glad _that _was over. Patient the first had stressed his _patients_- wait, I used that pun in the last story. Damn.

Nevertheless, the problem was easily fixed with a mild sedative the patient wasn't aware of taking. Gives a whole new meaning to Quick Fix.

Yes, yes that was a new pun.

ANYWAY, the Medic was already bored; life as a mercenary had definitely made being a doctor so much cooler than he remembered and this was dull.

So, when his next patient arrived, the Medic's mind automatically changed symptoms of 'nothing much' into 'sir I may have to dissemble you'.

"Doctor, should I be awake for this?" The Medic briefly noted, amused, how the Heavy had asked the same question in a similar situation.

"Ah, vell no. But as long as you are…"

~MEDIC'S SECOND DAY~

How the Medic avoided getting sued and losing his job remains a long, over-complicated story. It had also used up most of the clinic's supplies in some way or another and they would have to wait a couple of hours for more.

This proved a problem because the Medic's latest experiment (he just hadn't learned…) was in a spot of bother. Bluntly he'd almost accidently killed the man.

"If you see a light I recommend you _don't go into it,_" the merc advised, attempting to save the patient without supplies, even if only to keep his job. Means justify the end?

The Medic spent the entire morning dashing around busily and got himself all stressed again, but eventually;

"YES! He's stable! Ah ha ha-"

-Cue truck through wall-

The Medic could only stare with a tremendously pissed off expression as the truck hit everything else remotely useful or living in the room.

"Oh, hello Doctor!" the RED Heavy called, waving.

"…DUMMKOPF!"

A medical supply spam later the patient somehow walked away alright, but the Medic left with a tiny amount of money and a second lost doctor's licence.

* * *

**Fails... fails, everywhere**

**Thanks for reading; have a double update for being awesome! :D**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty!

~FIRE DEPARTMENT~

The RED Pyro had undergone a small misunderstanding. Turns out the term 'fire fighter' means _put out _fire; not fight _with _it. Or whatever that translates to in Pyro's head.

It wasn't a common misconception, but Pyro assured itself that once it explained- oh wait.

"Mmm mmmm mm!" the Pyro finished its tale with an enthusiastic nod.

"Uh…" one of the fire fighters looked to their mates for assistance without success, "What was your name again, sir… madam… buddy?"

The Pyro gave a muffled response nobody could seem to decipher.

"Doesn't matter right now- we gotta go," another fire fighter interrupted, implying 'we gotz a fire'. Everyone ran out, which the Pyro assumed was its cue to follow.

It excitably realised they were going on a road trip and pranced – yeah, seriously, _pranced _– into the fire truck.

Thus begins; Pyroland Mark Two

~PYROLAND~

Rainbows and sparkles blossomed from the building, forming a wonderful background for the Balloonicorn to frolic in front of.

The truck had stopped not far from the place and the Pyro jumped out alongside its new team. One of them threw something to the Pyro, who caught it and stared in awe.

It was a totally badass fireman's hat.

The Pyro bestowed the hat upon itself and followed the team. The lead fireman held a device that had a few similarities with the rainblower, but it was suspiciously… dark.

THEN OH GOD PURE HATRED BLASTED OUT OF THE THING OH MAN

~REALITY~

The water from the hosepipe was already dousing the fire somewhat, which was good news for most but terribly concerning for the Pyro.

They were upsetting the balance of joy in the world! They made the Balloonicorn cry!

Not having any of _that _nonsense, the Pyro moved to stop the madness.

Incidentally it tripped because suddenly it was prone and a broken fire hydrant spewed water from behind Pyro.

Then of all things a giant gust of wind shoved the water in the direction of the building and actually put the fire out. What.

"Wow, that was stylishly done!" Fire Fighter One commented, thumbs up at the Pyro. Fire Fighter Two agreed;

"You're a hero man- woman- er, dude!"

While Pyro was not proud of itself, having just dampened a lot of good spirit there, it did like the hero status. So it stayed on until;

~PYRO'S SECOND DAY~

Pyro's efforts to climb the firemen's pole thingy were cut short when it was called to work again. Apparently a crazy man had near burned down an entire science lab.

Realising it could _only _be one of the RED's faults, the Pyro facepalmed and hurried into the truck. Sure enough, Pyro met Soldier at the base.

"Hudda?" It frowned at its guilty teammate before going to help with the fire.

Of course it got confused and only burned more things, whistling contentedly.

Pyro left that day with very little cash and, regrettably, no fire hat.

* * *

**And there you go, that's what happens when misadventurers get jobs! ^.^**

**But did they make enough money? FIND OUT NEXT TIME ON MOTRT2!**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One!

~BACK AT THE RESTAURANT~

And so it was the nine mercs of the RED team met back to pay their daunting three hundred dollar or so bill. They pooled their earnings hopefully.

"Let's see, we've made…" the Engineer did a little fast maths, "less than a hundred. A lot less."

"So what d'we do?" the Sniper threw out to the team. After a pause, the Medic straightened up;

"I've got zhis. Heavy- come vith me!" Heavy blinked.

"Why?" The Medic scowled;

"Because frankly you're big and intimidating. Zhis is about CONFIDENCE."

A minute later, the Medic and Heavy flung open the restaurant doors in slow motion. They strode purposefully to the nearest staff member and the Medic shoved the money at them.

"It's all zhere." He stated in a badass, no arguin' wit' this guy voice. The mercs turned and started to strut out again.

"Yeah, there's no way this is three hundred guys."

"RUN HEAVY!" / "RUN DOCTOR!"

Once more, the REDs found themselves fleeing an awkward situation. They all remembered everything they hated about civilisation and, after they got away, they would make tracks for their base.

It was pretty late by the time the mercs escaped. The pissed restaurant staff had chased them with surprising dedication, and the REDs had had to hide from them.

In a ditch. Dignity!

However said ditch turned out to be quite close to their respawn. Their respawn which, unfortunately, had been discovered by the BLUs. Their respawn which was _surrounded _by BLU mercs waiting for further revenge. Their respawn where the only the second battle of the entire story was about to take place.

That respawn.

The BLU team didn't seem to have a no weapons in public deal and CHARGED!

* * *

**That escalated quickly :p**

**Thanks for reviewing! Have a double update today!**


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two!

~RED RESPAWN~

"Self defence! SELF DEFENCE!" The nine REDs screeched, grappling for their weapons and going to fight. Within a few moments they arrived at the conclusion;

These new weapons were _awesome_!

Despite having respawn literally right beside them, the RED team resolved they wouldn't be dying today.

The offense classes led the way as usual, screaming threatening stuff and making a dramatic entrance. The Scout jumped an approaching rocket and flung his flying guillotine. The meat cleaver sank into a BLU Soldier's chest but didn't reside long; the Scout was already running again.

He ripped the blade out and spun, throwing it and childishly yelling 'three sixty!' The knife hitting another BLU, Scout pulled out his scattergun and went to retrieve it.

Just behind him the RED Pyro was having fun with the scorch shot. Or bubble soap, in its twisted mind.

Either way it made the most delightful noise as it singed the heck out of the BLUs. Once Pyro was in the midst of the fight it switched to the flame thrower and swept the battlefield to cover Soldier.

Soldier too was enjoying his new gun. While the direct hit's explosion radius pretty lame in comparison to his lost rocket launcher, when he got a 'direct hit' man alive, nothing was better!

Ah, gore is wonderful like that. The Soldier helped to hold off the BLU attack with the Pyro and Scout, rocket jumping here and there for good measure.

Meanwhile the Heavy and Medic had changed tact- boxing Heavy and battle Medic.

The killing gloves of boxing had no trouble flattening opponents and the crusader's crossbow picked off folk standing further away. They still stuck by the Engineer as normal though, while he set up.

He had 'borrowed' a few materials from the mechanic and had just finished making a dispenser for the team. He stood, pumping his shotgun, beside Sniper, who was covering him.

The Sniper had his huntsman drawn and loosed another arrow at head height, ending a BLU.

Oh yeah, this bow gonna work fine.

"'Ere Pyro," he called to his teammate, who had come for the dispenser, "give us a light, would ya?"

Happy to oblige, the Pyro set ablaze the Sniper's arrow. Burning awesomeness was had by all.

Elsewhere the Demoman was taking the fight solo. Unless one counted the literally thirsty eyelander he carried. The sword had a thing for heads, minus their bodies of course.

The Demoman realised this was as amusing as blowing crud up and dove into the thick of the battle.

Also, the RED Spy was hanging about somewhere. It was simply a wonderful thing- the confusion in a BLU's expression as they were backstabbed by a so-called teammate.

Plus, annoying people by sapping things always made Spy's day.

Anyway one re-revenge later the RED mercs were victorious! If memory served them well respawn took ten-fifteen minutes.

Time to skip this city!

* * *

**'Sup folks :D**

**They're finally gonna get somewhere! At last!**

**Thanks for reading! :)**


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three!

~OUTSKIRTS OF CITY NUMBER ONE~

The Heavy then remembered about and showed the team his map. According to Engy, it displayed three of the big places they would have to travel through to get to their base. A small part of their journey, but a map of it nonetheless.

The next area was somewhat of a desert spanning between this city and another, smaller one.

Because the mercs didn't fancy walking across it, their initial thought was to nick a car. But if they did that, they wouldn't be idiots.

And that's why the misadventurers stole a bunch of bicycles.

"Aww yeah!" chanted the most immature classes, pretending they were on motorbikes and attempting wheelies. Needless to say the Medic was overworked.

Regardless it didn't take long to exit the first city (after God knows how many chapters, that is.)

Though they were pretty tired already. Lack of basic needs amplified by jobs, stress, and trace amounts of bloodshed took their toll.

Plus the Spy seemed to be traumatised and was muttering about fish.

Also – how to put this as not to offend? – Heavy's bulk made the bike look comically tiny; so he was mocked for that.

In attempt to lighten the mood, the Engineer somehow managed to play a travelling song on his guitar whilst cycling. The trip was still really boring though.

"W've been pedallin' for _hours_," the Demoman complained in a whine.

"It's been ten minutes, mate…" the Sniper told him, but of course Soldier was being louder and quite dramatic again;

"WE WILL CONQUER THIS GODFORSAKEN DESERT! Eventually."

The Pyro mumbled something about rockets for more speed. Fortunately no one understood or acted upon it. It was getting quite dark out when the Spy asked;

"Engineer? Will we be passing Boston by any chance?" he absently examined the likeness carved on the ambassador.

"Nope, don't think so," Engy hesitantly added, "Why...?"

"I told ya to keep away from Ma," the Scout grumbled, half-answering Engy. A few swapped comments later the Scout and Spy engaged in a peculiar bike wrestling type of fight.

The mildly-sane classes sighed and kept going for a while. Finally they figured sleep might be a good idea, and pulled over their bikes.

How random does that sound?

Anyway, Engy and Sniper kept watch because they're bros in my head canon.

They were looking mostly for BLUs, and also for Scout and Spy who hadn't caught up yet. The Engineer was quickly lost in thought.

If they were gonna cycle some two thousand miles he reckoned the bikes could do with some minor adjustments. Hidden sentry guns, for example. Strengthening the frame on Heavy's. Giving Spy's the ability to cloak, et cetera.

Of course though, before he even got to think in depth about it, the two missing mercs showed up with an alternative.

"Bloody 'ell." The Sniper hoped he was dreaming, but the sight was just stupid enough to be true.

"Yeah, so we borrowed a minibus," the Scout explained. The Spy proceeded to tell the team a bizarre story leading from the fight to… whatever this was.

Seems legit.

* * *

**ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP! ROAD TRIP!**

**Thanks for the reviews, you lot make my day :p**

**Aw why not, have a double update!**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty Four!

~DESERT (NUMBER TWO)~

"Vait. You stole- sorry, 'borrowed', a bus?" the Medic enquired slowly.

"Oui."

"Just happened to be red?" Heavy added. Scout nodded, confirming;

"Happy accident." The other classes made a small, musing 'huh' sound. Then they gladly ditched the bikes and, with no further questions, hopped in.

"Scout you are _not _drivin'," the Engineer stated.

"Aw…"

And so with Sniper driving as usual, the nine mercs headed across the desert, having forgotten they required sleep. They were delighted to discover the bus had a working radio and were all soon head bobbing to _What Is Love?_

It was on a loop too.

Just as dawn broke, the RED team reached their destination.

~SMALL CITY (NUMBER THREE)~

The Sniper parked the bus by an empty street, made up of a few shops. One of the shops was a huge department store. Insert fun times here.

They quietly – disclaimer; very loudly – made their way into the locked building and snuck into the furniture section. The mercs had been hoping to find beds and things, but none were assembled.

Hm…

"Right… now take that panel there an' put it- NOT THERE!" The Engineer facepalmed, dropping the build-a-bed instructions as the Heavy and Demoman smashed the bed beyond recognition.

The support classes weren't doing any better.

"Medic? We- we don't need to-" the Spy was cut off by the doctor;

"Trust me!" he demanded sweetly, raising his bone saw and hacking at a bed panel. The Sniper decided spacing out would be better for his sanity and calmly ducked as a headboard flew at him.

"MMMPH!" Pyro scolded the Soldier who threw it in a fit of rage. The Scout was too busy mattress surfing to notice.

~HALF AN HOUR LATER~

"…The Hell is this?" the Demoman critically stared at the thing they had built. The Soldier shot him a glare;

"That son is a bed made with a hundred percent American- holy crap I think it's _moving._"

With that the RED mercs fled the sentient bed-thingy and eventually just crashed in a storage room.

So, finally, they got their nap.

However, they were rudely awoken late afternoon. Oddly, it was very loud, angry-sounding shouts that did so. Who could it be?

"BUILDERS' LEAGUE UNITED!" came chanting from the main entrance. Ah. Must be BLU.

The RED team all made 'ohnoes!' faces and hurried to set up shop. Engy-doesn't-need-a-gunslinger threw up a combat mini sentry while the rest of the Team made a table Fortress Too. (See what I did there?)

Sadly no one had time to ponder the BLUs' motivation for attacking and just knuckled down for some old fashioned self defence.

* * *

**Regrettably, I don't own _What Is Love? _either :p**

**Thanks for reading, see ya tomorrow! :D**


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five!

~DEPARTMENT STORE~

"Armed and dangerous!" the RED Scout proclaimed, chucking projectiles into the BLU ranks from the table fort.

"Scout- quit throwin' pillows! Use more gun!" the Engineer called, tending to his cute lil' sentry. The Scout shrugged and leaped down the fort, hefting his scattergun.

Meanwhile the Demoman and Soldier defied the store's health and safety regulations by blowing crud up. The Heavy alternated between killing fools with Sasha and throwing household objects at them.

Pyro had to be content without fire on this occasion, but it still had a good time nonetheless. Sniper and Medic were both shooting arrows from their (cross)bow while the Spy did whatever the Hell it is he does.

"RELIABLE EXCAVATION DEMOLITION!" they all screeched, which was a tad less catchy than BLU but they were winning so who cares.

Although the BLUs weren't doing too badly. They had started throwing cupboards and stuff which were doing a number on the table fortress. This in turn resulted in epic destruction, arriving in the form of an avalanche-type event.

"Oh, dis is bad!" the RED Heavy acknowledged, falling down and crushing the poor Medic. Both jumped right back up somehow because they be _angry_. Like, really bloomin' cross.

The seven other REDs got a glimpse of the pair's expressions and back pedalled the Hell out of the way.

Ultimate killing spree time! *Unfitting music*

"Zhe end is nigh!" the Medic exclaimed dramatically, multitasking to the extreme- healing Heavy with the crusader's crossbow, shooting BLUs dead with same crossbow, and stabbing with the bone saw.

Heavy took the simple approach and just Sasha'd everyone's ass.

"…Yay we won!" the Scout cheered after a few moments.

"Heavy's credit to team!" the Engy smirked, packing up his mini sentry.

The mercs regrouped near their collapsed fort, grinning like idiots. Seconds later there was a massive crash and the entire roof suddenly caved in.

"AHHH!" the men (?) yelled, attempting and failing to duck and cover.

And so that thing happened again.

* * *

**Oh look my dog just made a nose-print on my screen**

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty Six!

~RESPAWN (CITY NUMBER ONE)~

The RED Spy sat up, glanced around and groaned;

"Great. This place again." He watched the team gradually show signs of life around the respawn. He paused. "Where is the Engineer?"

Concerned, the RED team frantically searched the room. There was no Engy to be found. PANIC.

The initial fear was 'oh God he's dead for real why Engy why' followed by the hopeful hypothesis he hadn't been killed in the department store.

To find out, we'll have to journey somewhat.

~DEPARTMENT STORE (CITY THREE)~

Okay; giant pile of rubble, oh look the minibus is outside, there's some bedroom stuff- ooh, movement! Engy's fine, he's fine, panic over.

"…Medic?" he called, not one for lack of trying. Questioning how the heck he'd survived, the Engineer worked his merry way out of the wreckage.

He noticed his new wrench was nearby and retrieved it.

_Then POW lightning strike yeah!_

* * *

**Mini filler chapter thingy because I can ^.^**

**So yeah double update peeps :)**

**Thanks so so much for reviewing! *Cries emotionally* You guys :D**


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty Seven!

~RESPAWN~

While he was supposed to be looking for Engy, the Demoman had figured he wasn't drunk enough to do so and had _more _beer.

The Sniper and Spy, who were a little stressed out at present, joined him. All three were sharing 'completely sober' war stories.

"Right, so 'e's in my scope," the Sniper pretended to hold his rifle, though in his state he probably would have dropped it, "and then BAM his head exploded like a watermelon!"

This struck the Demoman as hilariously funny and soon he had fallen off the bench laughing.

Suddenly there was a massive flash outside. The Spy attempted his summoning line;

"MENTLEGEN." He offered instead, belching attractively. Expecting hostiles, the clear-headed REDs trained their weapons on the door.

Instead, they were met by the smiling Engineer;

"Found out what the Eureka effect is!" he beamed, briefly explaining the concept of return to respawn teleportation.

Reunited anyway, the RED mercs then grumbled about the fact they had returned to square one. Knowing they had to get back to their base one way or another though, they began to trudge through the city again.

They hadn't counted on bumping into the restaurant staff.

"Long time no see?" Soldier went with. No response. "RUN MAGGOTS!"

Alas came another fine chase scene which actually brought the RED team half way through-

~DESERT (NUMBER TWO)~

-where they found the bikes and finally managed to escape. The adrenaline rush kept up for a respectable amount of time, and, though it took ages, they reached;

~CITY THREE~

The bikes were dumped a second occasion and the REDs had a snooze in the minibus. _What Is Love? _Played steadily in the background.

At one point the Engineer – assisted by the Eureka effect – set up a couple of teleporters, making the city something of a checkpoint.

Not much later a pissed-off department store manager arrived and the REDs bailed.

Only problem was the Pyro drove. It swung the bus around a corner, and, put off by all the screaming, ended up on the pavement.

There was a small click after the impact and suddenly the music cut out, replaced by a droning mechanical voice;

"Welcome to 'driving for beginners'," it began. Everyone blinked. "Are you ready?" The Pyro perked up and nodded enthusiastically. "Good! First, we'll check you know how to _brake._"

Pyro was fairly certain it knew how to brake. Without awaiting further instruction it slammed on the parking brake, and that's how nine mercenaries found themselves smashed against a minibus windshield.

Several minutes of awkward… extraction later the REDs got back to the road; Sniper in the driver seat. This city was actually quite little and they breezed through with no bother.

Consulting the soon-to-be-useless map they were pointed in the direction of something spectacular, awe inspiring, and freaking awesome among other things.

No, not a fast food place.

* * *

**Aww yeah B) Pyro is such a good driver still**

**Oh, that line of Sniper's came from my buddy (his Youtube is ps3lewis2cool) So thanks for that :)**

**Thank you for reading! :D**


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty Eight!

~SEMI-GRAND(ISH) CANYON (NUMBER FOUR)~

Yeah. Canyon, fools.

As is classic in adventure fics, the canyon was positioned in such a way the RED team would have to cross it; falling down one side and scaling the other. Which meant the minibus had to stay. Aw.

The bored mercs clambered out and started looking for a way down. They were blissfully unaware of the BLU Spy just clutching the roof.

"'Ere, is that a path?" the Sniper pointed out. The team shrugged and followed in single file along the edge. As is in horror fics, the target was the guy at the back. This happened to be the RED Spy.

"AAAAAHHHH!" the RED screamed, having been shoved into the canyon. Everyone swiftly turned, only to see 'their' Spy finish;

"-choo. Pardon." The team sighed, Soldier grumbling 'one Helluva sneeze, maggot' and they continued walking.

The Sniper had been right- indeed it was a path downward. They headed along, zigzagging their way to the bottom for the better part of an hour. One can imagine how this made the jumpy Scout impatient.

"_Guys I'm booored…_" he moaned for the umpteenth time, but nobody acted upon it. They had almost reached the ground when the Spy got an idea and called on the Scout. They were both behind all the others.

"I know how you can stop being bored," the Spy said politely, "it's a little game called 'Fall To Your Death'!" With that he gave Scout a push and grinned as he fell.

There was a light thud less than two seconds later.

"Um. What was that about?" The Scout, genuinely confused, glared at the Spy from ground level. Then he realised, "Yo- Spy's a Spy!" he pulled out the flying guillotine with his trademark speed.

Cursing himself a hundred times for his idiotic ignorance, the BLU Spy undisguised in a foolhardy camouflage in the smoke idea.

It did succeed in throwing off the Scout's aim, as the knife hit the Spy's shoulder which was one of the less vital bits. It's an anatomy thing or whatever.

"SPY!" the Demoman screeched redundantly, taking out the eyelander. Well, he tried to.

It was a narrow pathway and he merely fell to the bottom of the canyon.

The Pyro gave an exasperated sigh and retrieved its fire axe.

~PYROLAND~

Lost child. Lost child in giant canyon. Must. Cheer. Up. Yaaay.

~REALITY~

Axe + Neck = Dead Spy. There was a long silence.

"…Suppose we gotta go get 'im," the Engineer reasoned reluctantly. Grumbling in resignation the mercs gathered round and childishly yelled;

"Eureka!" The wrench did its thing.

~RESPAWN~

Oh no, of course Mr Spy, you couldn't just stay at respawn, nah. Places to go, right? Peeps to see? Hm.

That's why the remaining mercs felt inclined to split up. The Sniper, Scout, Engineer and Soldier would search city one whilst the Demoman, Heavy, Medic and Pyro checked the other end of the teleporter.

They moved out with plans to meet at the canyon in three hours. If they were unsuccessful they decided – in a friendly manner – they would just ditch the spook.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! :D**


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty Nine!

~CITY ONE~

"Where're we gonna look?" Scout demanded, because he had had Bonk and was too hyper to simply ask.

"Bloody spook could be anywhere…" the Sniper muttered. Then he glanced up with a start. "Or, everywhere."

The street was practically littered with RED Spies.

"Aw Hell. We should just kill all of 'em," the Soldier suggested.

"Partner, we're in public," Engy reminded him anxiously.

"'Public' my ass! Fighting is sure to result in victory! WE MUST FIGHT!"

The Soldier made to stride forward, brandishing his shovel, but suddenly the Pyro was in front of him.

"What're you doin' here?" the Scout enquired. He had started to bounce on the spot due to the sugar rush. The Sniper worked it out;

"Spies," he breathed, "Spies everywhere."

The four guaranteed RED mercs exchanged glances and wordlessly made a decision. RUN AWAY.

~CITY THREE~

The other REDs were having a much better time. They had immediately found their Spy chillaxing on a bench near the teleporter. He put on an accent and greeted;

"'Sup?" The Pyro responded with a cool little head bob motion. "How did it take you so long to notice?" Spy sighed.

"Fer one thing 'e was as much an ass as you," the Demoman offered. The Spy glared.

"Vell, no matter," the Medic said dismissively. The Heavy added;

"We meet team at canyon, Spy. Come on," he led the team to the broken department store. Surprisingly the bikes were still there; they were ready to set off… but- fast food place dead ahead.

How could they resist?

~CITY EINS~

While running, the legit REDs had made up an anti-Spy word; mentlegen. Whether this would work was up for debate.

"We're gonna die!" the Scout sort of yelped, sidestepping yet another 'RED' Spy and apparently forgetting respawn. The other classes didn't respond; mostly 'cause they were exhausted.

Think about it- we got two more-or-less campers and a guy with I think about eighty percent movement speed. You get the gist.

Regardless they were attempting to circle back to the teleporter. Unsuccessfully. Spies were sneaky and the four REDs were almost backstabbed every other second. Engy somehow remained stubborn enough to make the team not fight back in front of the civvies. Boo.

~CITY DREI~

The five RED mercs casually nommed food-they-would-never-pay-for and doodled in the complimentary colouring books.

They glanced up however as there was a small flash outside, and moments later the Scout ran past the restaurant, helpfully crying 'MENTLEGEN! MENTLEGEN!' before he decked it.

The Sniper and Engineer almost ran over him, because they didn't know I changed the mechanics- enemy Spies cannae use teleporters.

But no one told them that.

* * *

**Ah ha, 'getting it in the neck', I liked that review :p**

**Thanks for reading guys! :D**

**...Mentlegen...**


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty!

~CITY (NUMBER THREE)~

Reunited and fleeing yet more kitchen staff, the RED team grabbed the bikes and rode to-

~CANYON (NUMBER FOUR)~

Now, they really didn't want to walk all the way back down. Scout had a 'genius-ful' idea though; teleporters. The previous one had been sapped just after the Soldier made it through, so the Engineer had no quarrel with building two new ones.

The first he left at the top and the other he gave to the Scout.

"Are y'sure this's a good idea, mate?" the Sniper asked dubiously.

"Let him jump, Sniper, what could go wrong?" Spy smiled overenthusiastically. The oblivious Scout just flashed a quick salute and leaped into the canyon.

He'd used his double jump on countless occasions to avoid fall damage before. He just hadn't tried it on this scale with a surprisingly heavy teleporter.

Long story short he broke both his legs, but at least he was alive, ha ha… Cursing, he slammed down the teleporter, activating it.

The eight other mercs soon arrived. Pyro attempted to cheer up Scout (while Medic fixed his legs…) by blowing bubbles. Everyone else only saw it shooting flares pointlessly.

It's the thought that counts, Pyro!

Eventually they moved on and spent quite a while plodding to the opposite wall. In turn the REDs then located a way up and got to climbing. In laymen's terms a seriously boring time.

The team camped at the top once they finally reached it, the Soldier keeping watch by pacing relentlessly.

They drowsily came to several hours later, into some mid afternoon; days had been lost track of. Nevertheless they willed their adventurous selves onward and met their newest obstacle. Bridge-Of-Doom!

Actually, it was just a little wooden plank bridge not half a mile from the canyon, across a river. It was really quite nice.

After some careful deliberation (whacking it with sticks) the bridge was dubbed safe. Everyone except the Pyro and Heavy crossed no problem.

The Pyro's turn came. It didn't do anything.

…

After a while it pointed at the water below with a pathetic frightened mumble.

"Pyro must be a witch!" Demoman grinned, "Eh? Right guys? No?"

Unfortunately no one seemed to pick up on the Tam O' Shanter reference. It became Heavy's job to 'encourage' Pyro across. Team building act two!

The Heavy Weapons Guy walked onto the bridge, absently shoving the Pyro ahead.

"MMM STMMPH IH MMRF!" Pyro protested uselessly. Heavy did not oblige, so Karma (or the Balloonicorn…?) was on his ass.

"OH DIS IS BAD!" There was a loud splintering noise and suddenly the bridge collapsed. Pyro unintentionally made it but Heavy was on a one way trip down the river.

The Sniper moved to intervene, responding 'being a badass' when asked what he was doing.

One-super-epic-slow-mo sniper shot later, the merc hit a tree branch, snapping it clean from the trunk. It fell and conveniently blocked the river and Heavy crashed into it, miraculously stopping.

All in a day's work for a professional!

* * *

**Thanks for reading! :)**

**(Oh I don't own Tam O' Shanter m'kay bye)**


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter Thirty One!

~FOREST (NUMBER FIVE)~

Over the bridge spread a lovely green forest in every direction. Everyone relaxed for some reason and set off at a walk which gradually evolved into something of a macho skip.

Picture that scene, it's wonderful.

A sight ahead halted everyone dead midstride. A little bunny rabbit.

"It's so cute ve must have it." The Medic announced possessively. Feeling witty, the Engineer replied;

"We've already _got _a rabbit on the team." Eight of the mercs sniggered; the Scout did not.

"I resent that," he pouted, feeling bullied. He glared at the bunny because this was all the bunny's fault. Something then startled said bunny, who ran off.

Scout grumbled 'yeah you better run' as the less moody REDs looked for the source of startle…ment. (?) The Soldier made a weird face;

"Smells like crocket," he said, shoving the ol' helmet back in a fool's attempt to see.

"How could you possibly- _ah crit rocket_!" the Spy called, diving for cover. Everyone else figured they could just hide behind Scout, hence why he was rather brutally gibbed.

"Archimedes!?" the Medic gasped as the blood-splattered dove flew out, miraculously unharmed.

"Exactly how long has 'e bin' inside Scout?" Sniper dared to ask. Then the team realised conversation was probably inappropriate when someBLU was out to get them.

"SHOW YOURSELVES!" Heavy commanded, because experience had taught him that an enemy in sight was one more easily hit. Following his lead the other mercs got into fighting stances.

Except Medic, who was having a nostalgic moment with his bird.

"See, now we'd usually send Scout t' draw gunfire- eh, I mean find the BLUs," the Demoman raged. The Engineer offered to go get him and began to set up yet another teleporter.

The remainder of the REDs got impatient and took off into the trees, taking the pre-packed mini sentry from before with them.

Heavy used it as a hat.

* * *

**Wanna see where the heck this is going?**

**Find out in today's double update! :D**

**Thanks for reading!**


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty Two!

~FOREST CLEARING~

Wait, wait no. That sounds way too innocent.

~FOREST BATTLEGROUND NO BUNNIES ALLOWED BUT SCOUT~

Better.

The seven RED team members had encountered the BLUs and were insulting them for being 'stalkers' while they opened fire.

The BLU team actually had a pretty neat set up going on. Apparently plotting revenge had inspired them to think a bit; the freaking Snipers were in the freaking trees, for example.

Though they did spend a significant amount of time trying to get a visual through the leaves. Also one of them, balanced precariously on a branch, foolishly attempted to make jarate; both it and the BLU Sniper fell on top of the poor RED Medic.

Medic, naturally, freaked out.

"Hey, YOU'RE the one who wanted a funnier sequel," the Soldier pointed out, sneering. Then he got all serious and rocket launched a few BLUs sky high.

Meanwhile the Heavy helped his pissed-on-teammate out of the line of fire and left the Pyro and Demoman to charge ahead.

The RED Sniper hung back at first, absently headshotting, then later grabbed his huntsman and went all Robin Hood on 'em.

The Spy, too, was having fun- he tried out his new 'FYI I am a tree' disguise. Oddly effective, in fact.

Anyway twenty minutes of standard ass kicking later the Scout and Engy returned to join the party. Now with a complete team, the REDs applied the very in depth sappy meaning of _Team Fortress. 2._

But because they're idiots they shot the tactical formation to Hell and just ploughed angry mob style through the battlefield. I think a few bunnies joined in at one point.

At least the mini sentry pulled its weight before a BLU Spy awkwardly pounced on Heavy's back and sapped it. Evidently he electrocuted Heavy's head and for a short time the man somehow spoke fluent Italian.

Either way, several dominations and one semi-controlled forest fire after, the battle was done with no further RED casualties.

Still everyone spam called for Medic (partially just to annoy him) before they continued their journey.

Disclaimer; no bunnies or any other fluffy woodland creatures were harmed during the writing of this chapter.

The RED team soon exited the woods, only to have their dreams of 'yay we made it' shattered as they met-

~THE MOUNTAIN (NUMBER SIX)~

"Oh, HELL no," is what everyone thought the Pyro said. It was a valid objection. It was one badass of a mountain right there- snow on top and everything.

Still, with a severely (de)motivational speech from Soldier they were forced to go on. In hindsight they probably should've gone around.

"I cannae go on."

"Demoman, we're ten feet up."

"That's pretty high, though, lad…"

"Right mate, I'm _sorry _you've bin' portrayed as havin' a fear a' heights here, but we really don't care."

"…A'right then."

* * *

**Ooh boy, stuff just got SERIOUS(ly insane) :D**


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter Thirty Three!

~MOUNTAIN (SIX)~

"Is anybody else extremely cold?" the Spy shivered. "_Really cold?_"

"Not me," the Heavy replied absently, which for some reason ticked off Spy and kick started another argument. Everyone else, dragging themselves through the snow- oh yeah.

There was a time jump there- the team's almost at the top.

Anyhow, the mercs were subtly attempting to deal with the rather low temperatures.

~PYROLAND~

Rainbows are warm.

~REALITY~

Okay some were less subtle. The Scout for a second example was childishly jumping between rocks and making footprints in the snow. Otherwise the other classes made an attractive mobile penguin huddle.

Individually the Medic was trying to protect Archimedes, the Demoman got beyond the point of drunk, the Soldier hung onto his American spirit, the Sniper didn't seem too bothered actually and the Engineer was distracted with random scientific thoughts.

At one point the Heavy tripped over the cloaked Spy and slid cartoonishly for several feet down the way they came. Ha ha!

Now, as the RED mercenaries approached the summit, a peculiar rivalry began to spring to life. See, we got a German, a Russian, a Frenchman, a Scotsman, an Australian, three Americans and a Pyro.

Who wouldn't want to honour their homeland by arriving first, eh?

Their pace gradually crept up in tempo, with no one making a show of acknowledging the fact; soon they were storming forward like nobody's business.

And stuff got _serious_.

"USA!" the Soldier yelled, attempting a rocket jump. All that happened was a massive fail as he was unceremoniously shoved back by the wind. "…Ow."

The Scout and Engineer got at him for letting them down (purely in spite) and meanwhile the Medic and Heavy swapped insults in their native languages, attempting to overtake one another.

In a futile try at winning the Demoman sticky jumped, resulting in a remarkably similar scenario to the Soldier's.

Of course Sniper and Spy were at it again; an extremely accurate and crazily badass huntsman shot later the Spy was pinned against the mountain with an arrow in his sleeve.

Yeah he went there, he ripped yo suit.

In the background Pyro absentmindedly wandered on higher, humming a magical song of magic. Hence here we have the overused complicated scene of nine mercs a-racing for the summit. Actually that probably doesn't happen too often.

NEVERTHELESS, with Pyro's (not)dramatic music fuelling them on, the classes took their final leap-

"You have _failed_," the announcing voice announced. Everyone blinked. They had arrived at the precise same moment.

Awkwardly they stood in disbelief, shivering as though suddenly remembering it was cold. Then they all noticed there wasn't actually enough room at the peak, and they gracefully began to fall.

* * *

**Yeah, when I say 'gracefully' right there?**

**That's a lie. :D**

**Hm, I suppose you can have another chapter today :p Give me half an hour or so!**


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter Thirty Four!

~TOWN (NUMBER SEVEN)~

Well _that _was quite the experience. As it turns out, one does not become a comical snowball when falling down a mountain; especially when one hits the part lacking snow.

Then it's actually mighty painful.

"MEDIC!" eight mercs yowled, having slammed face first into a little road. Fortunately for the doctor he didn't have to hear it because he had been knocked out.

Heavy experimentally prodded the Medic and got no reaction. He glowered in disapproval as the Soldier grumbled;

"_Great_," the team nodded in sarcastic agreement. "I guess we oughta get to cover!" He started marching in a random direction.

He fell down after a couple of steps and called for Medic again. The Spy sighed deeply;

"Gentlemen, we're not going anywhere." The Sniper glared at him,

"So what d'you suggest then?"

Seemingly glad to take part in the conversation the Demoman jumped up. And fell back down;

"Simple! W' use the medigun!" He wondered if coming up with that was a good enough excuse to have another drink (verdict was 'aye').

The Pyro made a muffled statement like 'uh, can we really?' Engy considered,

"S'ppose we could, y'know, try it…" They all made eye contact with Archimedes, who was sitting nonchalantly on the medigun, asking for his permission. The dove cooed and fluttered off, which the team accepted as an a-okay.

"He looks familiar…" the Scout said distractedly, watching him fly away. The Heavy coughed uncomfortably and gently pried the medigun from Medic.

He stared at the thing with his best Medic-impression and willed it to work _using his mind_. Heavy Weapons Guy's enthusiastic smile faltered;

"STOOPID." He declared, chucking it aimlessly. It bounced off Soldier's helmet and the man half-heartedly told Heavy he was a maggot as usual. The medigun landed in what had become a circle of RED mercs.

The Sniper stuck out a foot and spun the gun, until it stopped with its barrel-like-contraption pointed at Pyro.

"Looks like you gotta figure it out, Pyro," Sniper translated the spin of fate. Pyro tentatively picked up the medigun. Its musings; _shiny healing stuff from this bit, big flippy handle bit probably unimportant, little dial type part there… _All in all, a weird and wonderful device.

If it was like the flame thrower, then in theory all Pyro had to do was- oh God that's a LOT of sparks.

The Pyro hastily dropped the medigun and scooted away from it.

With childish curiosity the Scout came next and fiddled with the medigun, only to get electrocuted and launched impressively far into a building across the road.

Finally registering the fact they should be wary, the team enjoyed a rare thinking session. The Engineer had a light bulb moment;

"Maybe we need his bag to work it," he suggested. The Heavy and Soldier, who were closest, shrugged and moved to get the Medic's rucksack. They weren't quite sure how to do so; but the Heavy eventually just picked the Medic up so his back was facing out.

The Soldier awkwardly approached and tugged on the rucksack.

The Medic chose this moment to regain consciousness. All the unfortunate man could see was a close-up of the Heavy and he felt something – for lack of a less weird word – _fondling _his back.

"…Vhat in God's name is happening."

* * *

**Just- I don't even... don't ask... uh.**

**See ya tomorrow! *ThisStatementIsFalse fled!***


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter Thirty Five!

~TOWN~

After a long time was spent insisting their intentions were innocent and legal, the Heavy and Soldier got the Medic to accept their apology.

HEALING MONTAGE OF HEALZ.

Later, after the Engineer had made another teleporter checkpoint, the team strolled through the town they'd stumbled into, hoping to find a new map.

They sidled past a café, furiously ignoring the temptation to go have a cuppa. Ages (five minutes) of futile searching crawled by and the mercs opted to ask for directions.

They hadn't considered the fact 'RED base' wasn't exactly a well-known tourist location. Spy, who had drawn the short stick, returned from his mission before long regardless.

"You aren't going to like this," he predicted. Scout was impatient;

"Try us. Which way?" Ever so slowly, the Spy began to raise an arm, until he was pointing – a collective gasp of OH GOD – at the ocean.

The Demoman summed up everyone's thoughts;

"Well *euphemism!*"

Still, they had gone through a lot of bother both winning back and travelling to their base, so the RED team went to acquire a boat. Not that they knew how to sail. Ooh boy, looks like it's plan time.

"…Wait. Run through that again," the Spy sounded lost, and the Soldier sighed;

"Step one," he began, game face on, "Pyro distracts the dock-guy with ENGAGING CONVERSATION." The Medic raised a hand,

"I see a flaw…" But the Heavy was powering on;

"Step two is Engineer and Sniper remove other security." Engy nodded;

"While we're on that, you Spy do step three."

"Sneak out an' release the boat," Sniper finished. Spy examined his butterfly knife as the Scout continued.

"Step four; you guys all get on the boat while I steal their big map thingy."

Pyro went on to explain that step five was learn to sail, pick up Scout, and what was step six, please, Demoman?

"Then me and Sol kick start the boat with explosives!"

Spy wondered if any of that was a remotely good idea;

"What the Hell do Heavy and Medic do?" They both started, realising they weren't directly a part in the plan. Medic tried;

"Healing and moral support?" Everyone said 'oh!' like it was perfectly obvious.

"Hang on, shouldn't we do four before three?" Engineer pondered.

"Fine!" the Soldier had been fairly certain the plan was okay, but, "Step one, two, four, three, five, seven!"

"What about six? And there ain't even seven…" Sniper noted.

"ONE-TWO-FIVE-TWO-FOUR-SIX THEN SEVEN IS 'ATTACK SNIPER'!"

There were no further protests.

The RED mercs hurried to their respective places and in their heads puzzled out the step order issue. The only one confident in this – the Pyro – referred to its conversation starter notes and headed down to the docks, whistling the entire time.

* * *

**You lot leave the best, funniest reviews, y'know? :p**

**Thanks guys, see ya tomorrow for A BOAT TRIP!**


	36. Chapter 36

**Well, Xguy110, I would love to explain the plan to you!**

**... Thing is I can't make heads or tails of it meself :p**

* * *

Chapter Thirty Six!

~THE DOCKS (TOWN SEVEN)~

"Hudda," the Pyro greeted politely, making sure to stand directly in guy-at-the-dock's way. It proceeded to ask him something about either the weather or brands of cat food; difficult to tell.

Whatever, the poor man was forced into the one-sided conversation- step one check!

Unfortunately from there everything went to Hell.

Spy got a little mixed up and launched into step three- release the boat.

Sniper and Engy watched in confusion as their teammate made his merry way toward the boat, _with all the security still active._ They hastened to complete phase two; though in a much less dignified manner than planned.

The Sniper pulled out his rifle and shot out a couple of TOTALLY AWESOME SECURITY CAMERAS and the Engineer stopped carefully dismantling communications and smashed the stuff with his wrench.

When a guard appeared they just jarated his ass like no one's business.

Meanwhile Spy's little butterfly knife was hacking at a boat-rope-thingy holding the vessel to the dock.

Regrettably Pyro was so engrossed in its conversation it didn't notice this and forgot to cover Scout, who was in the process of step four, steal the map.

Everybody else was elegantly diving for the commandeered boat and hitting the deck face first. Hah- deck! That was honestly an accident! Brilliant.

Anyway step seven was… step, step five…? The next step was 'set sail and pick up Scout', which had to be amended to include Pyro. The two offense classes had bolted from guy-at-the-dock and ran for the rendezvous.

Meanwhile the REDs on the boat were arguing who the captain was, unaware their mode of transport had taken off on its own accord. As fate would have it they were heading in the right direction, except they were not _technically _sailing.

They all glanced up though as they cruised toward the meeting point. If Pyro took a wee run up it could easily make the jump, however…

~PYROLAND~

An ocean of hatred-incarnate separated Pyro from its buddies. Literal waves of solid evil surrounded everything, and the RED understandably wanted to keep its distance. _However…_

~REALITY~

"SCOUT! GET PYRO'S ASS OVER HERE!"

Scout only had one idea on how to do that, and he quite liked it. He executed the homerun taunt, yelling;

"BONK!" like a boss. Bat met Pyro and Pyro met boat; and with a rather impressive leap Scout joined it. The team cheered,

"Huzzah!" and mock-saluted angry-guy-at-dock. The boat obediently kept going forward without guidance, somehow. The mercs gathered and the Engineer asked;

"Y'got the map, Scout?" Scout gave it to him.

"Bloody 'ell Scout _THIS IS A CALENDAR!" _the Sniper raged.

Then they realised it was a dirty calendar and the mood brightened considerably.

* * *

**Oh hey folks; challenge for ya! :D**

**There is a super subtle super awesome mechanic change in there somewhere**

**Find it and you win! Uh, not a prize or anything you just... win... yeah. :)**

**Answer with tomorrow's chapter ;p**


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter Thirty Seven!

~OCEAN (NUMBER EIGHT)~

The Soldier and Demoman also initiated step six; kick start the boat. An excessive amount of explosives later their battered boat was moderately far out in the water.

Pyro was painfully aware of this.

"Where did the Pyro get bubbles…?" Spy, a little concerned, asked. Evidently guy-at-dock had attempted to bribe Pyro away with bubbles. Legit.

The other mercs left the traumatised Pyro to play while they worked out this whole 'sailing' deal. Much like the author, they weren't sure how to go about that.

Ultimately they just had the 'no I wanna be captain' fight again. Then came the realisation; what THE HELL direction were they going!? Chances were not the right way.

The team made Sniper climb the 'giant thingy in the middle' and have a look around. Even through his scope there was nothing to see save the town they left.

Sniper reported as such and the team facepalmed. They weren't men to panic though. Okay that's a lie, they freak out all the time; but that's irrelevant.

So as that happened below, the Sniper continued to survey the town from his 'hawk's' nest. (He refused to call it crow's nest on the grounds hawks were way cooler.) Anyhow, he didn't care for what he saw;

"BLUs incoming!" he yelled down to the team. Sure enough, BLU mercs were flooding the dock and taking aim at the RED's boat. And the REDs themselves, just to clarify.

"Don't vorry comrades! Zhey don't have enough range-" A crocket whizzed over the Medic's head. "I VAS WRONG."

Sniper was quick to take action and managed to end the offending BLU Soldier with a headshot.

The other REDs followed example. Except the Scout, Pyro, Engineer and Spy, who all blinked at their worse than useless at long range weapons. Scout and Pyro immediately ran off to see if the boat had cannons while the Engineer built a teleporter as a precaution. He went to use the Eureka effect as usual.

"Engineer!" the Spy warned, "Don't use lightning on the-" Too late, was the cry.

Prior to this, the Soldier, Demoman, Heavy and Medic had joined the battle. Though at this distance the direct hit didn't score any, the grenades consistently missed their mark, and before long the bullets and crossbow bolts were useless too.

Eventually the four of them were sniped dead. Meanwhile the RED Sniper's aim was thrown savagely off when what but _lightning _hit the boat. The fall killed him, actually, leaving the irresponsible Pyro and Scout to deal with the burning boat. (Spy had died by fire.)

The only good news was that they had drifted out of everything but a sniper rifle's range.

"Any ideas, mumbles?" the Scout asked, as though he really wasn't bothered.

"Mn."

"Nah, me neither." They sat in silence beside the growing fire for a spell.

After a while Scout decided he was captain and jumped overboard to 'go down with da ship'.

Pyro was sniped. Bummer.

* * *

**Answer from last chapter; Scout's default bat can't do the homerun taunt :p**

**Thanks for reading folks :)**


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter Thirty Eight!

~BACK ON THE BOAT~

Half an hour or so later, the nine RED mercs had teleported back to their no-longer-on-fire boat. Actually the term 'boat' wasn't applicable now.

It was more like a ten by ten foot square of driftwood almost dragged underwater by the weight of the team.

"Pretty lousy turn of events," the Demoman sighed, belching because he'd just downed a bottle of saltwater. The others nodded, bored, then Pyro started humming the Jaws theme.

The team eventually got freaked out and threatened to take away the bubbles if it didn't stop.

Instead they drifted quietly along, Soldier occasionally trying to row with his shovel, and put up with the increasing bouts of seasickness.

"Should we reminisce or something?" the Engineer asked a bit later.

"Engy, we discussed this."

"Oh yeah, no more clichés. Sorry Soldier."

"We could… sing a song?" Scout suggested uncertainly. Soldier hadn't the patients for a verbal warning and simply hit the kid on the back of the head.

"D'you think we're gonna get to the base?" Sniper asked no one in particular. Nobody noticed, but Archimedes, sitting on Medic's shoulder, shook his head and cooed the dove for 'I wouldn't bet on you idiots'.

"We'd be there now if not for BLU babies," Heavy assured. The Spy seemed doubtful of this fact;

"Or if we weren't wanted in at least three different places." Grumpy pants.

The mercs fell back into splashy silence, thoughts frantically being forced away from sharks.

All of a sudden there was a low, immensely loud gurgling noise. The startled team glanced around in confusion, then one by one their horrified gazes found the source. God have mercy.

The Heavy was hungry.

As one, the eight other REDs scampered for safety, which unfortunately drove them all to the same side of their boat. Which began to tip.

The survival instinct kicked in but common sense, I'm afraid, did not.

Uttering scared, nonsense words like someone had smashed their face on a keyboard, the REDs sprinted back to Heavy's side. The boat dipped wildly.

"I know ve say zhis a lot but I really think ve're going to die zhis time!" the Medic announced, running aimlessly around the floating platform of death.

Heavy, sitting down, was sliding uselessly side to side, either wondering the Hell was going on or selecting his lunch victim.

Somehow the wooden panel the team was on flipped until it was balanced vertically, leaving the nine men to fit precariously in very little space. Screw physics.

They eventually bobbed on the spot for a couple of minutes.

…

Cue giant whale! Suddenly the REDs were lifted above the water, suspended on the back of a marvellously timed whale.

The team exchanged blank expressions, then with no warning a massive blast of water spouted, shooting the mercs skyward. Oh what fun! In the correct direction too!

"CLICHÉÉÉÉÉ!" the Soldier screamed, as they flew over a rainbow.

Scout burst into tears. Spy laughed. Sad days.

* * *

**C'mon, you all knew a rainbows make me cry joke was gonna happen :p**

**Thanks for reviewing guys :D**


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter Thirty Nine!

~WOODS (THE HOME STRETCH)~

The RED mercenaries soared majestically across the sky-

"ARGHHHHH!" Never mind. _Crash!_

There was a collective groan of pain from the entire team. That landing had been less than spectacular. Surrounding the classes were splintered planks of wood, pieces of shattered teleporter, and, well, each other.

Fortunately for Medic sanity (y'know, the last shred of it) he remained conscious and was able to heal his teammates unaided. Unviolated.

Everyone then had a chance to take in the area. It had a… nice, familiar feel; pleasant green woodland and a generally verdant setting. And there, in a small clearing not far off-

"Holy crap guys!" Scout jumped excitably, "It's our old tiny base!"

SURGE OF EMOTION GOES HERE.

This, where the journey had truly begun, this, where BLUs were killed dead, and this, where the RED mercs had become… friends.

"MOVE IT I WANNA GET IN FIRST!

"I HATE YOU MOVE!"

"BABIES GET OUT OF WAY!"

"DIE MORTALS I'M FIRST!"

Ah, why do I bother…

The team piled into their old so-called 'crappy' base with the enthusiasm of a Heavy to a sandvich. When they all once again sat in their somewhat unusual way in the central room, the Engineer pointed out something wonderful;

"This means we're nearly there," the team grinned too, "whoo, two thousand miles…" The Demoman whistled;

"Cannae believe it meself," he admitted. Neither can we, son, neither can we.

"So…" Heavy mumbled hopefully, "Snack time?" The other eight mercs sprung up and scampered in search of food, as to avoid a tantrum. Or death. Or both.

Either way the search proved fruitless (ah ha because fruit's a food oh ho ho) and the REDs panicked. Something – _anything _– had to be done.

Thus begins; fake cooking with the RED team.

They hurried to find food substitute that would trick Heavy, under the impression such an endeavour would be straightforward. The mercs were going to make a _false sandvich._

The Soldier and Demoman were on bread duty; and they had a marvellous idea. Use planks of wood. The pair of them went to forage some and met the Engineer outside.

Tomatoes, the man knew, were red. So were teleporters. Therefore, in theory, a part of a teleporter could pass for a tomato.

Above those three the Scout had jumped into a tree. Normal sentence… Nah, he was collecting leaves as lettuce stand-in, reckoning there wasn't _that _much difference.

Inside the base Spy and Pyro were sneakily tearing dingy yellow wallpaper from the stairwell to act as cheese.

Just out the window Sniper could be seen stabbing an arrow into a rock, making a very convincing olive and toothpick.

Finally, the Medic had to find a mysterious meat substitute. He had asked his teammates to 'lend a hand' but sadly for him they had picked up on the literal meaning and refused, fleeing the bone saw.

In the end the doctor just put Pyro's hat in the sandvich.

The team bravely returned and offered their creation to Heavy…

* * *

**Someone order a double update? Comin' right up! :D**


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter Forty!

~LITTLE RED BASE~

In the RED mercs' imagination, things tended in general to go smoothly.

Their plans were perfect, the execution flawless, and the results spoke for themselves. Truth was, they couldn't be more wrong.

Their plans were dumbassed, the execution unwaveringly failed, and there _were _no good results.

A fine example of this was made that day. Lesson learned; don't give the Heavy a false sandvich. He won't take it too well.

"GUYS! HELP!" the Scout yelled, "HE'S GOT ME!"

On discovering the food-ery betrayal, Heavy had evidently taken out his rage on the nearest teammate. This meant he spit out the gross sandvich and slammed Scout against the wall. Interestingly his hand turned out to be as broad as the kid's entire chest. Eep.

"Guys?" Scout whimpered, now very much resembling a scared rabbit. The rest of the team however were frozen in fear.

"Little team are going to regret this," Heavy vowed ominously, making Scout uncomfortably try to squirm free. "No one mocks Heavy. NO ONE."

Thus he scattered the mercs.

"OH HELL NOT THIS AGAIN!" the Demoman attempted to bail out the window, forgetting how thick the glass was. *Useless thud*

"ZHE DOOR'S STUCK! Zhe door von't OPEN!" Medic frantically informed his teammates. The Sniper ran instead for his tower, crying;

"BLOODY 'ELL!" Everyone followed his example; save poor Scout, who was currently being essentially broken in half. The Heavy then moved on to strike revenge on someone else.

That's about when Spy reached a realisation- if they died now, _their entire journey would begin again_. They didn't have a checkpoint set up!

"We need to keep the Engineer alive!" he announced, "For teleporters!"

"I'm all for that," Engy said quickly, hiding behind the others.

"WHY'D WE MAKE THAT FREAKIN' SANDWICH!?" Soldier demanded, sounding like he regretted it. The seven of them abruptly fell silent and huddled in the Sniper's nest.

_Creak._

Everyone jumped about a foot in fright. Heavy was on the stairs.

_Creak._

Heavy was freaking climbing the stairs. One could've cut the tension with a kukri it was so thick. A pause extended… then with a much less subtle _CRASH _the door busted in on itself.

"HERE IS HEAVY!"

"HOLY MOTHER OF GOSH DANG IT!"

There was a mass of commotion as the Heavy raged in bloodlust-induced fury. Woah, that was a fancy-ass sentence. The classes nearest the ex-door were immediately squished back to respawn; the remaining three dutifully blocked the way to Engy. Or they tried to.

"Heavy, mate, that's m'neck," the Sniper choked, "if y'could not snap it- AUGH! THAT ONE HURT."

Using the above as a distraction, Spy stabbed Heavy with a triumphant 'HAH HAH'. Heavy casually plucked the knife out and threw it away. Gosh darn it to heck.

"Oh golly! I'm done for!" Is a rough representation of what Spy said in his last moments.

Pyro pooped itself and died of embarrassment.

* * *

**Oh dears. D:**

**Thanks for reading, see you tomorrow! :p**


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter Forty One!

~HELL (AKA RED BASE)~

The Engineer was then left alone in the sniping tower. Well, not alone. Heavy was there and his anger hadn't _quite _subsided yet.

Engy had hit that point where one would have to look away from the horror movie; because the ragged breathing and general 'I'm so screwed' expression meant something was gonna go bad.

His shotgun was downstairs, as were the spare boxers he was likely going to need.

But – oh yes, there's a but – just as Heavy raised an impending punch to take out the last of rage on poor Engy;

"I'M NOT DEAD YA MORON!" the Scout shouted from the bottom of the stairs. With a rather gross noise a throwing knife appeared in Heavy's back. "HELL YEAH!" Scout (or what was left of him…) whooped, "I did something useful- HOLY HOTDOG IN A CHEESE GRATER!"

Scout didn't have a snowflake's chance in Hell as Heavy's body fell backwards down the steps.

The Engineer derped for a moment. He quietly called;

"Um, Scout? Y'alright?" No answer. "Y'need a dispenser…?" When there was no response to _that _the Engineer was fairly certain that they were all dead.

He uncertainly shuffled to the lower floor, awkwardly stepping around Heavy. Keeping an eye on the man and his shotgun nearby – a safety precaution – Engy retrieved his toolbox and gathered the teleporter supplies.

Tired, he left the thing to self build and went to hide the 'sandvich' before Heavy returned. On a whim he put it in the fridge. He blinked.

There was an actual, real, genuine sandvich chillin' on a plate smack bang in the centre of the shelf. Vintage. The Engineer sighed; all this trouble because nobody checked the damn fridge.

Near weeping for humanity, he used the Eureka effect.

~CITY (ONE)~

"Ohhh, that doesnae get any easier…" the Demoman moaned, having gone through respawn and not having liked it.

The Soldier and Medic nodded dizzy agreement. Mere minutes later the Sniper, Spy and Pyro showed up; the six of them anxiously wondered where Scout was and if Engy was okay.

Everyone gave a start as Heavy appeared next, closely followed by Scout. Frantic glances signalling 'oh man oh man what do we do now' were swapped, urgently needing an answer.

The Heavy still seemed a bit pissed off, which was concerning. Suddenly there was a knock on the respawn door, making a metallic clunk.

"Fellas? You in there?"

"ENGY!" the REDs gushed like little fanboys, running outside. Heavy begrudgingly followed.

A massive, severely lame team hug of relief followed- like they wanted to go through _that _journey again. A little forgive and forget came after that, and the nine mercs teleported back to their tiny base.

~I JUST TOLD YOU WHERE~

It was somewhat distressing, clearing their own bodies from the base, but the mercs managed it. All that was left to do was win their actual base back.

First thing tomorrow.

* * *

**Yeah. You read what you read. That just happened B)**

**(Oh look I can only think of this ~ as the maggot button now, thanks Maggot Magnet :p)**

**Thanks for reading guys!**


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter Forty Two!

~EN ROUTE TO RED BASE~

After changing direction several times the next morning, the RED mercs made up their minds and started toward their good base purposefully. They soon were putting the trees behind them and reckoned this was the correct way.

The Medic had used some sort of 'hungry no more' thing on Heavy, but to everyone it appeared to have made the man a tad high.

Watching the Medic try to stop Heavy from doing… things to Sasha, the rest of the team drew a blank and walked on, someone muttering;

"Get a room…" Suddenly fearful the Heavy might just do that, the REDs changed topic to BATTLE TACTICS.

"Like those BLU hippies'll even put up a fight!" Soldier scoffed, but he enjoyed making these kinds of plans enough to go along with it.

"My only worry," the Spy put out there, as they trekked across the meadow, "is that the BLU team will also have teleporters at their respawn."

"They got a lot more Engineers," Engy added, "means more teleporters."

"Search an' destroy?" Sniper suggested, glancing around the team. Pyro mumbled something along the lines of 'sounds like fun'.

"How d'we team up?" Scout asked, deciding to pay attention for once.

"W'could go four an' four," the Demoman proposed, "with someone guardin' our tele'." The Medic, who had finally managed to escape Heavy, broke into the conversation;

"Comrades? Shouldn't ve have reached zhat haunted mansion by now?"

Surprisingly the RED team didn't flip out on the fact they could potentially be lost. Again.

"Y'know," Sniper said slowly, "I was startin' to think we dreamed that." There were a few musings of 'me too…' then it was never spoken of again. Like, ever.

Anywho, the team decided (after extensive debate) on their sub-teams and tried to think where their teleporter could go. They had it narrowed down to near the base m'kay guys.

That would do.

Because there it was- they had caught sight of their base. And it was freakin' _blue_. Outrageous!

The nine REDs considered flipping on a pair Deus Specs to make a better 'aw Hell nah' face.

But there wasn't time for that! There were battles to be fought! And won, preferably.

They made a quick dash to their original hiding space; the really good one in plain sight. The mercs surveyed their base a smidge longingly, noting multiple level two and three sentries lined up on both the ground and second floor.

Added to that BLU mercs of every class were here or there, clearly expecting an attack. The REDs were not so keen on this.

Nevertheless, they wanted the base back, and figured here was as suitable a place for the tele' as any. The Engineer set it up and the Pyro took out its flame thrower in preparation to defend the building.

The rest of the REDs divided into their teams; Spy, Scout, Engy and Sniper would be destroying teleporters while Heavy, Soldier, Demoman and Medic sent them BLUs back to respawn.

LET'S GO TEAM!

* * *

**Good times, eh? :p**

**Thanks for reading, mentlegen and... female version of that... :D**


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter Forty Three!

~RED/BLU BASE~

The attack team – screaming threats like the lunatics they were – broke cover first. BLUs swiftly stopped whatever random crap they were up to and started shooting.

Hey, it never was explained why there were nine RED mercs but about a billion of _those _maggots. Well, it's because- oh look out a crocket!

And thus Soldier gibbed the first blood with a direct hit. Using the direct hit.

Beside him the Demoman was firing grenades and drinking simultaneously, and next to him Heavy shot at anything moving. Close behind his teammates the Medic started to overheal; just as well because they were quickly in sentry range.

Skittering back a bit the Soldier and Demoman turned to the guns and their Engineers, while Heavy held off the folks on the ground.

With that underway, the Scout, Sniper, Engy and Spy gave the Pyro high fives of awesome and joined the fray.

It was about then they spotted a design flaw in the plan; how would they get into the base to wipe out the teleporters.

"Gentlemen, I have an idea." Spy announced triumphantly. It was a good one. Only problem was it didn't work.

"Hey Engy?" the Sniper said casually, walking on.

"Yeah?"

"I can't help but notice we're not cloaked."

The BLU team watched in bewilderment as the RED Sniper, Engineer and Scout walked in toward them, holding hands. They couldn't see the cloaked Spy at the end of the line, who had abruptly noticed his team-invisibility thing had failed.

"Oh," the Engy looked down at himself, "no, no we ain't."

For some reason they didn't stop or let go of each other.

"This is kinda lame," Scout pointed out, "should we run or somethin'?"

"Mm, probably," Spy agreed, "you should. I'll see you in there."

As soon as he wandered off the other three REDs panicked and just flat out charged for the base door.

~PYROLAND~

Pyro waited patiently by the red spinning thingy it was supposed to babysit. Figuring it should hatred-expel (Spy-check) it marched in a circle, rainblower spewing delightfulness. Nothing to report.

Pyro now waited _impatiently_, listening to the kids playing nearby to distract itself. Pyro looked more intently and smiled; things were about to get interesting.

~INSIDE RED BASE~

"Yo, how'd we get here?" Scout asked blankly, glancing around the base interior.

"Yeah, feels like w'skipped a scene…" Sniper nodded slowly. Further musing were cut off by the Spy's arrival;

"Bonjour RED friends," he said, all smiley. Engy looked puzzled,

"Wha?"

"I mean, let's go kill BLUs!" The other mercs exchanged 'lol wut' faces and followed Spy around a corner. Right into an onslaught of BLUs.

All Hell broke loose for a few chaotic moments, bullets and at one point a throwing knife flying. The REDs came out injured (actually Spy was alright) but alive, and they hurried on.

* * *

**Epic battle scene commence! :D**

**Thanks for the reviews and everything folks, you're awesome like that :p**


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter Forty Four!

~OUTSIDE RED BASE~

Ammo was low already for the Soldier, Demoman and Heavy. The three REDs had to fall back to the Medic, complaining about the fact the BLUs appeared to be tougher than in the prequel.

Knowing they needed to kill these guys so their team could disable the teleporters – ultimately assuring ownership of the base – the four mercs rushed to make a PLAN.

They took cover as best as possible. So not well.

"Ve need to get you in melee range," Medic told the Demoman, who grinned;

"Why? Cuz I'm the best, strongest, most cleverest?"

"No, because you're drunk and have a freakin' massive sword," Soldier shot him down. Then he literally shotgunned down a couple of BLUs.

"I take one side, Soldier take other, and Medic stay with Demoman then."

It was the most intelligent thing Heavy ever said.

The team paused to acknowledge this, then started their killing spree.

"LET'S DO IT!"

~RED TELEPORTER~

While the Pyro took solace in the fact its teammates were alive (they had not used the teleporter) it began to get concerned by the crazy number of needy Spy kiddies approaching.

It had been stabbed a couple of times, much to its discomfort, but as long as it had fire everything would be-

The flame thrower hissed empty. Problematic…

~BASE HALLWAYS~

Turns out, a small session of whacking a teleporter dead with a bat is highly enjoyable. It was the second one the RED mercs had found and destroyed, and they ran to search for another before fifteen minutes passed and the BLUs respawned.

Taking care of a vengeful Engineer, the REDs powerslid around a corner. Oh God _RED _Spy ahead!

"Ah, there you are," the newcomer said, examining the four REDs, "_mentlegen._"

The red BLU Spy, picking up on the vibes he'd been discovered, undisguised and took a random stab before Scout's scattergun ripped him apart.

"Well," real Spy sighed, "at least you got him before he got- oh, Engineer…"

~OUTSIDE~

Let us journey momentarily to the BLU team's perspective. What they had recently witnessed was the slightly violent destruction of their sentry guns, several of their men being riddled with bullet holes, and worst of all; a severely pissed off drunken Scottish cyclops with a bigass eyelander hurtling in their direction.

Personally the RED point of view seems a better place to be.

For some reason the Demoman had his fancy hat – the bigass crown – on as he charged into the BLU mob, eyelander tearing each and every merc a structurally superfluous new behind.

The Medic didn't feel like keeping up and stuck with the crusader's crossbow to fight and heal.

The Soldier and Heavy on either flank both had shotguns out and fired away without concern for health and safety.

So things were going pretty smooth when the Medic heard the weirdest, most alien-like noise imaginable. He barely had time to yell;

"MACHINA!" before a rather superb headshot blasted him head first back to respawn.

* * *

**Pros and cons of today;**

**P; Got home early from school!**

**C; This was because I had three English exams. Ah.**

**P; RED Team is kicking butt**

**C; MACHINA! EVERYONE RUN!**


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter Forty Five!

~INSIDE THE BASE~

"Goddamn Spies," Engy grunted, "Why d'they always stab me?"

"Do your buildings break when you die?" Spy asked; the Engineer nodded.

"That's why then," Sniper sighed, "it's cuz you're plot important."

"I'll go get the doc," Scout said, grimacing as Engy went to take the knife out. Conscious of the lack of time, he sprinted for the door.

~OUTSIDE~

Now, being an enemy merc at ground level no longer with the help of a Medic, the last thing the REDs would want to hear would be a machina warning.

The massively overpowered futuristic sniper rifle was freakin' infamous.

"Should w' regroup!?" Demoman, still slice n' dicing, called to Soldier.

"What, and line up a triple headshot? Negative!"

"WHAT DO WE DOOO!?" Heavy wailed loudly. Of all the crazy things in all the dimensions, the announcing voice had the answer;

"DANCE."

And suddenly like pros with natural talent that's just what the RED mercs did. But what the Hell, they were actually dodging bullets.

Still, Scout wasn't sure what to think when he arrived. After a moment though he shrugged it off and joined in, asking;

"Where's Medic?" Just as the Demoman told him a flare went off behind them. Pyro in distress alert!

"Scout, you go help Pyro and wait for Medic. We'll just…" Soldier did the robot and karate chopped a Spy, "Yeah."

Scout nodded and double jumped away (striking a pose in midair), heading for the teleporter.

~IN DA BASE~

Spy had left Sniper to cover Engy so he could go and sap some BLU tele's. The first BLU mercs would be respawning any minute. We didn't want that, no siree.

The only BLUs left in the base currently seemed to be a couple of Spy-checking Pyro; if Spy applied a little grey matter they were easily avoidable.

"…I do believe I am on fire," the RED was stating mere seconds after that thought. A Pyro chortled in agreement. The new battle plan was 'RUN AND SAP! RUN AND SAAAP!'

Meanwhile a couple of Pyro on patrol had spotted Sniper and Engy and seemed eager to kill the REDs. Either there was a personal grudge or they'd worked out the no Engy = no teleporter factor.

Actually Engy was in a bad way, bleeding out, so Sniper had to deal with the BLUs.

The first he felled with an arrow, but without time to string another he used a more traditional method for the second. Roundhouse kick.

~OUTSIDE~

The dancing RED mercs had wormed their way through a lot of danger, by literally doing the worm. However their miraculous fortune had screeched to a halt right outside the base; the machina Sniper was at ground level and was lined up perfectly for the elusive triple headshot.

Just when respawn loomed to claim the REDs there was the unmistakeable sound of shattering glass, and moments later a BLU Pyro's body crushed the Sniper.

Right after, the RED Sniper flew out the window in the 'imma kick yo ass' pose. So right there everything was awesome. _BUT THEN;_

"Guys! Pyro's dead! AH! NEED A DISPENSER HERE!"

Why are final battles nothing but endless problems?

* * *

**Argh, art exam today D:**

**Hope you liked the chapter folks, thanks for reading :p**

**(Oh hey forgot to mention; nice job calling that Spy, XxSiberianTigerxX! :D)**


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter Forty Six!

~BASE AGAIN~

The BLUs had begun to respawn, but now they only had one or two teleporters left standing and were hastily trying to return to battle. The RED Spy cloaked and managed to sap the last buildings, yet quite a few enemies had gotten back in first.

This, Spy realised with a derpy start, meant Engy was screwed. Spy power walked along to fix the problem like a true mentlegen.

~RED'S TELEPORTER~

For future reference, if Soldier says 'grab my grenade belt', just don't.

He will simply rocket jump and force everyone to come along for the ride. Nobody warned Sniper, Heavy or Demoman of this.

"SOL WHYYYYY!?" Demo got no answer because they all abruptly hit the ground at the RED teleporter. Scout was there and did look a lot like he could do with a dispenser.

At least the teleporter was alive! Then the five mercs stood back to back in circle like that bit in the trailer for MvM and fought off some dudes. Hell yeah!

Thankfully their Medic soon reappeared to help out. The Scout remembered;

"Oh yeah, Doc y'gotta help Engy or he an' Pyro ain't comin' back!"

This was firmly established as a very bad thing. As Scout led him back to the base, Medic asked in exasperation,

"Vhy do all the very few emotional scenes involve zhe Engineer?" Hearing them, Engy called back;

"It's cuz I'm so Goddamn loveable!"

Scout and Medic met him and Spy, who was finishing some BLUs with the ambassador.

"About time you showed up," he grumbled in a not-very-mentlegen-like manner, "I could have done with some assistance." The Scout missed the past tense in the support class's statement and chased the retreating BLUs;

"On it!"

The Spy facepalmed and the Medic sighed. The Engineer coughed politely.

"Right, you're dying, sorry, hang on," Medic blurted, activating the medigun. A few moments (accompanied by angelic music) later, Engy and Spy were healed and the medigun charge metre was full.

Time to find Heavy.

~OUTSIDE~

The surviving BLU team members were all over the place. The RED Soldier, Demoman, Heavy, Sniper, and the recently respawned Pyro made sure of this.

"DOM-IN-ATED!"

"_I'm drunk!"_

"Good times!"

"Yeah, what they said."

The Pyro inputted with triumphant laughter.

Before long their buddies the Medic, Spy and Engineer strode out the base to join them in the tail end of the war. The eight REDs met in the middle of the battlefield; BLUs not going down without a fight relentlessly kept on the offensive, but their numbers were freakin' pathetic.

The RED Heavy gave a sidelong, hopeful glance at Medic, who nodded.

_However, _(all these problems, eh?) just as he went for the Über there was an onomatopoeia-ish _BOOM! _as something in the base blew up.

And then, in that _tiny itty bitty split second _it takes to deploy an Übercharge, Scout rocketed painfully from the sky and crash landed between the Heavy and Medic.

The Scout displayed signs of 'ow', 'dizziness', and 'what da Hell?'

"I- I just…" Medic stammered, "I just Übered a Scout."

It was the most newbish thing that ever happened ever.

* * *

**Sorry it's a couple hours late, four maths exams today D:**

**(Thanks for the well wishing, LilyRosetheDreamer!)**

**Thanks everybody for the reviews! How's a double update tomorrow sound? :3**


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter Forty Seven!

~ON THE ROOF~

The nine RED mercenaries in a circle on their – _their _– base rooftop, a soft tune from Engy's guitar the only sound.

Their base takeover had gone quite splendidly, despite the Über Scout incident. At least the kid had a few seconds of fun with that.

Turns out the BLUs, when there weren't very many of them, were pushovers; finishing them hadn't been an issue. Leads the story back to the victorious men chilling on the roof as night shrouded over it.

And what more dignified way to celebrate than with beer? Or at least the REDs thought as such, ignoring the fact it helped to be sober when one was two storeys above ground. Hell why _were_ they on the roof?

The mercs glanced around as if pondering the same thing; but they shrugged it off and watched Pyro play with its flame thrower drunkenly. How did it manage to drink…? ALL THESE QUESTIONS.

"'S a nice night," the Sniper commented, not usually the one to break a silence but somebody needed a line so yeah.

"No, NO, we are NOT doing a boring post battle dialogue chapter!" Soldier commanded. Medic muttered something like;

"Zhat's a big vord for you, 'dialogue'…" Before an argument could fully kick off the Spy asked,

"What do you _suggest _we do?" The team were terrified when Pyro announced it had an idea.

~SORTA HALFWAY UP THE BASE WALL~

"I know w' usually do stuff with reckless abandon, but…" the Engineer peeked over the edge of the roof, "Health and safety? That not exist anymore?"

The Heavy, beside him, let out a little more slack of the rope, replying,

"Not when is Scout," he shrugged. Below, the suspended Scout heard and gave Heavy the finger. The bigger man grinned broadly in response.

"Here's the paint, lad," Demoman called, opening a window near Scout. He offered a large pot of red paint. Taking it, Scout seemed dubious;

"This thing's gonna paint the whole base?"

"VIDEO GAME MECHANICS." The announcing voice dismissed.

The RED team collectively said 'Oh!' and began to unhelpfully guide the Scout through his painting mission.

"Right! RIGHT!"

"To the left!"

"Move that gear up!"

"GUYS YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE!"

"LEFT MAGGOT!"

That was the loudest command so Scout felt inclined to listen to it.

And that's why the Demoman's window is bright red. Anyhow, lacking the standard patients to merely walk around the roof, politely guiding Scout to the next wall, Heavy had a bright idea.

Without consulting anyone he simply spun around with the rope hammer-throw-style.

In hindsight Scout would realise just how fun this actually was, but in the meantime those thoughts were nonexistent.

So in the end the RED team had a severely un-neat stripy red base and a Scout thrown several miles away. When he eventually returned the RED mercs admired the paint job with varying level of, well, admiration.

"…I like it." The announcing voice stated slowly.

* * *

**They did it! They got the base back! (Again, heh heh...)**

**I just love everyone's views on Über Scout :D **

**(ASCII 154 for that Ü by the way) :p**

**Double update as promised on the way!**


	48. Chapter 48

Chapter Forty Eight!

~RED BASE KITCHEN~

"Really?" the Spy glanced around the room. "_This _is how we are spending our final chapters?" The Engineer looked up from the in-progress toaster;

"Well… technically, we're got a few spinoff stories to go, so not _final _chapters." The rest of the team nodded agreement, continuing to develop their toaster.

It was the bright and breezy morning after the battle. Once again the mercs found themselves hungry, and with toast being the breakfast of men, this happened.

"'Sides," Sniper added, "we've earned a rest by now." He ducked as the now four-times-electrocuted Scout went flying at head height.

"And it's only so long 'fore somethin' else happens," Demoman said. The Spy merely grumbled in the corner as the rest of the team haphazardly made their toaster.

Despite Pyro's belief even the highly ignorant mercs knew fire wasn't a part of the building process. Though in all honesty they didn't actually know the process. Not even a lil' bit.

"Maybe we should take break," Heavy suggested, calmly removing his fist from the wall after he punched it in impatient rage. Soldier blinked;

"Best idea you've ever had. Someone go get drinks or something."

Nobody moved; until there was a noise like a giant sapper and Scout went sailing down the hallway in the direction of the kitchen.

"Oh, thanks for volunteering," Medic grinned. The eight mercs waited for a wee spell, leaning back sleepily or lost in thought. Soon Scout reappeared in the doorway, but he seemed a little… off.

"Hey, e-everyone…?" he shifted restlessly, "Um. So there was nothin' but coffee, right…"

"Scout." Spy was already backing away. "Did. You. Have. Caffeine?"

After a pause, the Scout nodded sheepishly. As the Pyro muttered 'OH GOD' Engy said;

"Okay, fellas, let's slowly leave before he explodes." The team accepted this as perfectly normal advice and sidled cautiously from the room. When they next looked Scout had vanished.

"…I'm scared." Heavy surprised the team in saying so.

"I thought you 'fear no man'," Demoman frowned. The Medic pointed out;

"Scout at light speed isn't human." A peculiar high pitched sound briefly reverberated and few disturbed papers rustled. "Faster than light." Medic gulped.

Apparently Scout ran through the room again because the papers and even a chair moved, seemingly of their own accord.

"I think the world literally just slowed down," Sniper subconsciously reached for his kukri, "What d'we do?" Soldier stepped up;

"Men, I have a plan." The team groaned, expecting some stupid scheme, however it was a ton more simple. "PANIC." He made the alarm board trigger, displaying and shouting 'Too. Much. Caffeine!'

Pyro did the only thing it could think of; diving out a window and shooting off a flare. As everyone followed suit they heard a hyperactive, elongated 'BONK!' and fell over at a sudden whoosh of air.

The Pyro yelled something like 'HE'S EVERYWHERE!' when Heavy toppled out the window and crushed the smaller merc.

This sort of behaviour continued for an hour, REDs sprinting like headless chickens around the base. In the end all they had to do was stand still in a hallway, holding a frying pan at face height.

Insert cartoonish _CLANG!_

* * *

**Dammit Engy, now I gotta write spinoff stories after this one?**

**Aw yeah :D**

**Thanks for the reviews guys, two chapters to go! :)**


	49. Chapter 49

Chapter Forty Nine!

~THE NEXT DAY~

The nine mercs sat in the central room, munching toast like total badasses. When they had returned to the kitchen the previous day (dragging the KO'd Scout) they had found a fully assembled toaster.

So it would seem caffeine gave Scout super powers. Awesome. Good to know.

Either way here they were, enjoying the rare occasion they weren't lost in their own base. Still, while on the way here they had found their own intel, and on a whim brought the red case with them.

Now they chewed thoughtfully as they stared deeply at it. The Engineer motioned to it with a crust;

"Anyone know what's in that?" Spy grinned broadly;

"_I _do," he said in a tone that suggested he was gonna be an ass about it.

"Yeah?" Well we're findin' out ourselves," the Demoman announced, sounding just in charge enough the other REDs were immediately on board.

Everyone followed an intricate, probably unnecessary path out of the base, lugging the intel behind them.

Idea number one was put forward by Soldier; crack case with shovel.

After a few attempts – the case skittering uselessly away after every shovel blow – Soldier shouted;

"Maggots; hold the case! This is gonna get _ugly._" The Pyro and Heavy somewhat hesitantly shuffled to either side of the briefcase and held onto it.

"Charge!" Heavy called when they were ready. The word was barely out before Soldier was running full pelt at them; bizarrely resembling a pole-vaulter with his shovel.

With something of a battle cry the excitable RED made impact.

Everyone stared with horrified curiosity.

"…My shovel's stuck in me." Soldier noted. The entrenching tool blade was pressed against the still unscathed intel; the rest of the shovel seemed to have stabbed the Soldier. Medic had a diagnosis.

"Yes." He agreed helpfully. "I should probably take that out." Soldier nodded (clearly a little stunned) and followed the doctor to the infirmary.

A long pause settled.

"So let's open this briefcase then," Sniper suggested brightly, like nothing happened.

Idea the second was to hit the intel with a car. The mercs waited in the nice happy sunshine for Sniper to return in the RV.

Four point seven seconds later.

"WHY AM I ALWAYS HIT BY CARS!?" Scout yelped. Somehow the RV had done nothing but ricochet off the innocent little briefcase and it smashed into the youngest merc. "…Need a dispenser-" Engy thumped him with the intel.

~INSIDE ENGY'S WORKSHOP~

Pyro had suggested they use the Engineer's tools because Goddammit they were opening this bloody case. Everybody (except Spy, who was sniggering in the corner) grabbed some kind of potential weapon and had at it.

Within a minute the team had broken the world record for number of 'MEDIC' calls.

After having a rib or two cracked by a flyaway crowbar though Spy stopped seeing the funny side and intervened.

He strode moodily to the intel and deliberately flicked a small catch. The red briefcase flung open with such splendour it could've cried 'ta-da!'

"What the Hell is that?" the Soldier demanded, eyes boring into the case.

"Um… that's Teddy Roosebelt."

"WHAT."

* * *

**Yeah Toast? I love that song! :D Why didn't I reference it...? Meh :3**

**Thanks for reviewing guys, alas tomorrow our journey ends**

***hums Yeah Toast***


	50. Chapter 50

**Look guys, we made it! :D**

* * *

Chapter Fifty!

~RED BASE~

After finding out their super important, top secret RED intel case that they had fought _to the death _for contained the Engineer's teddy bear, the abused mercs figured it was time to wind down.

They thought wistfully of all those wonderful, touching fanfics out there, in which nice, heart-warming things happened.

Then they thought nah. Let's do somethin' crazy.

"'Kay, now just jump and fire!" the Soldier instructed, his rocket jumping lesson in full swing. Scout, who had been volunteered by Spy, managed to fail.

Having pointed the direct hit in the wrong direction, he accidently (the 'accident' part being up for debate) launched the rocket at Heavy's feet. Watching the man go flying, Medic felt inclined to quote him;

"Oh, zhis is bad…" *IMPACT*

So with that, Heavy, Medic and wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time/Karma-was-here Spy were out of commission for a while.

Shrugging in a 'well, what can ya do?' fashion, Soldier and Demoman forced the other mercs to try explosive jumping.

And that's how Pyro ended up on the roof _yet again_.

Sniper was next seen in a massive crater, half-consciously cursing at the sticky bomb launcher.

For all his eleven PhDs, Engy had forgotten to jump as he fired.

Scout was in the process of searching for the defence class's foot.

Once that was reattached and the awkward situation was over, the crazy mercs agreed to use a little less gun. How long this concept would hold was a shaky figure; the mercs hurried to distract themselves somehow.

About then the clouds seemed to split directly above their base and the rain came pissing down. As the manly RED team dashed for shelter they contemplated how the author had scarcely cared to mention the weather before.

Thankfully they let that one slide.

Everyone got to witness a rare sight of Scout with his hat off as he attempted to dry it off a little. Re-donning the headgear, he stated absently,

"Well that was fun." Six of the mercs scowled, Soldier and Demoman beamed childishly in approval.

"There, see," the former announced, "explosives- fun and safe!"

"I respectfully disagree…" Engy disagreed respectfully. Demoman seemed ready for a retort, but he had a drink first as to already forget what was happening. He eventually went,

"Yeah? Yeah, well… go away."

The Engineer shrugged with a small sigh as the Sniper randomly mused;

"Does anythin' we ever do make sense?" Judging by the sudden thunderous boom outside and ominous music, Medic said dryly,

"Nein, and ve never vill." Heavy trudged to the nearest, non-busted window, peering out into the gloom and muttering,

"What was noise?" The stupidly curious REDs gathered, their nine heads cartoonishly fitting in the window. Pyro instantly backed up and grabbed its flame thrower for comfort.

Out there, perhaps a tad overkill, rows upon rows of metallic mercs chugged like wee choo-choo trains. Wait what I don't even.

"…And now there is _this _problem." Spy frowned in self-pity. The robots, glowing eyes all eerie in the darkness, began their unprovoked charge on the RED base.

Accepting the challenge, the team ran to meet them;

"LET'S MOVE OUT!"

* * *

**Wow. Here we are! Most fun I've ever had writing :p**

**But you lot out there, you are AMAZING! Thanks so so much for your reviews, faves, etc :D**

**Behold my section of thanking people and love it;**

**Wepul, Foodthatfarts, Guest, That One Guy, Beepbeepboop, CrocodileTooth1, LilyRosetheDreamer, XxSiberianTigerxX, xguy110, Neomi Hawke, Layab The Dark Saiyan, djvicvic7, core1trooper, and 3Chris28!**

**Keep a look out for Misadventures of the RED Team spinoffs in the near future! Bye!**


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